I don’t know what is up with my city anymore. Yesterday I hear about some dude that’s been running around sleeping with women when he full on knows he has AIDS, and then today I read in the paper about a dude who got mugged, and the thieves take his friggin pants:
A man was literally left with little more than the shirt on his back after a group of gun-toting robbers made off with nearly everything they could get from him – including his clothes.
The victim was in his car with a friend on Ravenal St., near Weston Rd. and St. Clair Ave. W., shortly before midnight when three men jumped into the vehicle and demanded money, said police.
They pulled out guns and robbed the man, taking his wallet, his iPod and his cell phone. They also took his pants and his shoes, leaving him in a t-shirt and socks and then fled.
So far, police aren’t entirely sure why the robbers wanted the man’s clothes.
So let me get this straight. Some dude is sitting in his car by himself at midnight, just minding his own business and gets robbed. They take his wallet, iPod and phone- even his bloody pants and shoes, but they don’t steal his car? Either this is an incomplete news story or there’s something seriously fucked up. It doesn’t even mention whether or not the thieves take buddy’s car keys. Yeah, take his shoes, that’s good thinking, that way he can’t chase you- except he can run you over in his car. Sweet Jesus. This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long time. I can only imagine the scenario. Let me break it down like a movie:
EXT – MIDNIGHT ON A STREET CORNER
BUDDY is sitting is his 4 door family sedan stopped at a red light. He listens to the radio:
RADIO (music plays)
“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down….”
Suddenly 3 THUGS enter the vehicle and point guns at BUDDY.
THUG 1 (sitting shotgun)
Give me your money muthafucka or I’m gonna make you dead before this light goes green.
Yeah bitch, give us the god damn money.
Okay fellas, easy now. I don’t want any trouble. Just let me turn down the radio.
Never mind the fuckin radio sucka. Give me that green or I’m gonna reupholster this car with your brains.
BUDDY (goes for his wallet)
It’s okay. There’s no trouble. Just take what you want.
THUG 1 (swipes the wallet)
Now give me your cell phone too.
(BUDDY hands over his cell phone)
Yo is that a new iPod? I believe that’s now my property too. (he looks at the iPod for a moment) Yo, you were listenin to that Rick Astley shit on your iPod? God damn!
The other two THUGS laugh.
What are those pants you’re wearin? Are those Dockers?
Gimmie that shit. Your shoes too.
Huh? You want my pants and-
Do you want to die mutha fucka? I said take off them Dockas!
BUDDY gets out of the car and starts taking off his pants.
Gimmie them Crocks too.
BUDDY takes off his pants and hands them to THUG 1 with his shoes. The THUGS start laughing. BUDDY is wearing briefs with the Superman logo on them.
Look at this Rick Astley listenin mutha fucka wearin Superman panties.
The THUGS laugh some more.
Yo, let’s bounce.
Aight. (to BUDDY) Peace Rick. Have a nice night.
Wait. You’re not going to steal my car?
Hell no. I ain’t ridin around in no Volvo. We out.
So this is how it must have gone down. I can’t see it any other way. Honestly. What probably happened next is that someone walking their dog saw some crazy dude walking around with no pants on with a deer in the headlights look and called the cops. If I were him, I definitely wouldn’t be telling anyone that happened to me.
Thanks Toronto, you just made my day.