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Christmas Cheer, Or Not: A Special SoA Holiday Message

23 Nov

Welcome back to State of Affairs. For those of you who are regular followers of the blog, you will be pleased to hear I’ve got some big, big SoA news to announce very soon, but it’s taking a lot of work on my part, so my update schedule is going to stay a bit off-kilter for a while. In the meantime, I’m working on a mega-post for tomorrow that won’t be done by day’s end, so I thought I’d treat you to a little something from the archives. I wrote this piece exactly two years ago today, and it’s just as relevant now as it was then. So without further ado, take a little trip with Uncle Alex, the Ghost of Bitching Past.

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State of Affairs: Halloween Edition – Even Scarier Than Usual

30 Oct

Greetings and salutations my devoted readers, and may I be the first to wish you a frightening Hallowe’en (or Samhain for my brothers and sisters in Eire).  I’m aware it’s a day early, but frankly I have better things to do tomorrow than look for things to entertain you.  No offense, but Hallowe’en might be my favourite holiday of the year, so you’ll have to forgive my priorities.

halloween

One of my priorities will be watching this movie. Because it's the ONLY VERSION THAT EXISTS.

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Bowling for Buffoons: Florida Cops Caught Playing Wii

23 Sep

So by now I’m sure you’ve all seen this on Digg or through a viral email or something, but just in case you haven’t, here’s a pleasant beginning to your morning:

Well, well, well.

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Revol-MOOOOO-tion: Cow Attacks Escalate in Britain

27 Aug

People of the world, take heed: the revolution has begun.

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The Death of Television

30 Jul

In a follow up to Alex’s post yesterday, I just wanted to make a few comments. For some reason, I too was watching that God-awful show the other night. I can’t explain it, but I was completely memorized by the action, and on some level was living vicariously through those meat heads. It was strange, because although I completely recognized that me watching this crap was a waste of time, I simply couldn’t stop. I have a strange feeling that a lot of other people have this same problem. It’s Pringles syndrome. One you start….

vanillaice

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Man Robbed, Thieves Take Pants

8 Apr

I don’t know what is up with my city anymore. Yesterday I hear about some dude that’s been running around sleeping with women when he full on knows he has AIDS, and then today I read in the paper about a dude who got mugged, and the thieves take his friggin pants:

A man was literally left with little more than the shirt on his back after a group of gun-toting robbers made off with nearly everything they could get from him – including his clothes.

The victim was in his car with a friend on Ravenal St., near Weston Rd. and St. Clair Ave. W., shortly before midnight when three men jumped into the vehicle and demanded money, said police.

They pulled out guns and robbed the man, taking his wallet, his iPod and his cell phone. They also took his pants and his shoes, leaving him in a t-shirt and socks and then fled.

So far, police aren’t entirely sure why the robbers wanted the man’s clothes.

So let me get this straight. Some dude is sitting in his car by himself at midnight, just minding his own business and gets robbed. They take his wallet, iPod and phone- even his bloody pants and shoes, but they don’t steal his car? Either this is an incomplete news story or there’s something seriously fucked up. It doesn’t even mention whether or not the thieves take buddy’s car keys. Yeah, take his shoes, that’s good thinking, that way he can’t chase you- except he can run you over in his car. Sweet Jesus. This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long time. I can only imagine the scenario. Let me break it down like a movie:

 

 

EXT – MIDNIGHT ON A STREET CORNER

BUDDY is sitting is his 4 door family sedan stopped at a red light. He listens to the radio:

 

RADIO (music plays)

“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down….”

 

Suddenly 3 THUGS enter the vehicle and point guns at BUDDY.

 

THUG 1 (sitting shotgun)

Give me your money muthafucka or I’m gonna make you dead before this light goes green.

 

THUG 2

Yeah bitch, give us the god damn money.

 

BUDDY

Okay fellas, easy now. I don’t want any trouble. Just let me turn down the radio.

 

THUG 1

Never mind the fuckin radio sucka. Give me that green or I’m gonna reupholster this car with your brains.

 

BUDDY (goes for his wallet)

It’s okay. There’s no trouble. Just take what you want.

 

THUG 1 (swipes the wallet)

Now give me your cell phone too.

 

(BUDDY hands over his cell phone)

 

THUG 1

Yo is that a new iPod? I believe that’s now my property too. (he looks at the iPod for a moment) Yo, you were listenin to that Rick Astley shit on your iPod? God damn!

 

The other two THUGS laugh.

 

THUG 1

What are those pants you’re wearin? Are those Dockers?

 

BUDDY nods

 

THUG 1

Gimmie that shit. Your shoes too.

 

BUDDY (confused)

Huh? You want my pants and-

 

THUG 1

Do you want to die mutha fucka? I said take off them Dockas!

 

BUDDY gets out of the car and starts taking off his pants.

 

THUG 1

Gimmie them Crocks too.

 

BUDDY takes off his pants and hands them to THUG 1 with his shoes. The THUGS start laughing. BUDDY is wearing briefs with the Superman logo on them.

 

THUG 1

Look at this Rick Astley listenin mutha fucka wearin Superman panties.

 

The THUGS laugh some more.

 

THUG 2

Yo, let’s bounce.

 

THUG 1

Aight. (to BUDDY) Peace Rick. Have a nice night.

 

BUDDY

Wait. You’re not going to steal my car?

 

THUG 1

Hell no. I ain’t ridin around in no Volvo. We out.

 

 

So this is how it must have gone down. I can’t see it any other way. Honestly. What probably happened next is that someone walking their dog saw some crazy dude walking around with no pants on with a deer in the headlights look and called the cops. If I were him, I definitely wouldn’t be telling anyone that happened to me.

Thanks Toronto, you just made my day.

Miss Universe Loves Guantanamo

1 Apr

guantanamomissuniverse

While I was preparing for an awesome weekend, it looks like on Friday, Dayana Mendoza, aka, Miss Universe and her entourage took a trip to visit the troops in Guantanamo. She wrote about it in her blog on the official Miss Universe page, and it was quickly taken down. Want to know why? New York Times blogger Robert Mackey has the actual blog post. Here’s a few quotes from it:

“This week, Guantánamo!!! It was an incredible experience.”

“We arrived in Gitmo on Friday and stared going around the town, everybody knew Crystle and I were coming so the first thing we did was attend a big lunch and then we visited one of the bars they have in the base. We talked about Gitmo and what is was like living there. The next days we had a wonderful time, this truly was a memorable trip!”

“It was a loooot of fun!”

“We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills. All the guys from the Army were amazing with us.

We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.”

“I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.”

I think you can imagine why people would be pissed off about this.

The blog post was taken down after a few days and has now been replaced with an official statement from the Miss Universe Organization. Here’s what they have to say:

“Dayana Mendoza’s comments on her blog were in reference to the hospitality she received while meeting the members of the U.S. military and their families who are stationed in Guantánamo.”

Nice spin. You forgot to mention the whole part about her visiting detainees though.

I don’t think beauty pageant alumni have looked this stupid since Miss South Carolina opened up her mouth about education:

So what’s the lesson learned from this? Even if you think that your comments are completely harmless, when you are representing an international organization, your words will be scrutinized to no end. Whoever was in charge of reading over Miss Universe’s blog posts should be fired. If there isn’t someone that does that, then fire whoever gave her a blog in the first place. It’s a nice sentiment to give your pageant girl an open forum, but as I’ve said before: think before you speak.

By the way, wasn’t Obama shutting down these camps soon? Shouldn’t these troops be packing up instead of getting a USO show?