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Camping Tips From A Guy Who Doesn’t Know How To Camp

17 Jun

Hello my friends. I would apologize for my absence but doubtless you’ve become accustomed to it by now, so let’s forgo that nonsense and get right into it.

Hard as it might be to believe, I do spend some time away from my ubiquitous computer screen – sometimes, I even venture into the Great Outdoors (whose existence I’ve heard rumour of on the World Wide Web). Not often, but sometimes. Thankfully, I’ve recently secured myself a Lady Friend who is skilled in the ways of the woods (we’ll pause here so my unattached female readers can mourn my removal from the meat market), and she’s taken it upon herself to rouse me from my pseudo-intellectual torpor and drag me kicking and screaming from the comforts of modern technology into the vast, uncaring wilderness of Central Ontario.

Put plainly, she took me camping.

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Food For Thought

28 May

Oh, my poor maligned readers.  Please feel free to forward all your hate mail to dealing with my absurdly long leave of absence.  I promise there’s a good excuse, even though I can’t really put my finger on what it is.  I have a very detailed article coming up about my recent foray to Merry Olde England, but it’s taking me way longer than I wanted it to, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to soldier on a little longer without your daily dose of Uncle Alex.

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Enviro-Ecstasy, or Not: Top Five Green Sex Products

31 Mar

I have to tell you folks, I like this planet. No, I don’t hold a great deal of soft spots in my heart for the human plague that seems intent on eating it piece by piece until nothing remains but a brown rock floating in the cosmos, but Mama Earth is a pretty keen lady in my opinion. I’ve recently gotten back into being outdoorsy – I’m even going to try my hand at camping this year. I mean real camping; previously my experiences have had less to do with “camping” and more to do with “drinking in uncomfortable wooded locales”, so I’m going to do my best to expose myself to something more authentic this time around.

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Top 5 Uses for Nuclear Energy That Would Be Awesome If They Were Real

19 Mar

Yeah yeah, I know. Nuclear energy is way more complicated than Hollywood would have us believe. According to movies and the Department of Homeland Security, nuclear energy can be used to do just about anything, and your average ten year-old is fully capable of building one of those nifty Soviet-era suitcase nukes out of nothing more than a smidge of plutonium, a Meccano set and an Easy-Bake Oven.

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United State of Pop 2009: Or, Autotune Is OVER

5 Mar

Hello dear readers.  I’m not actually here today.

Well, I am here, but not here.

To read my brilliant and insightful deconstruction of this year’s United State of Pop mashup music video, head on over to Turning Down The Suck, a brand-new music review site on which I was graciously asked to guest blog today.  I think you’ll get a kick out of it, especially my buddy Van Der Sweet who founded the site.   Shine on, you crazy Dutchman.

SOA Top Five Comedic Personalities featuring Inching Towards Mediocrity

10 Feb

My dear readers, I was born to be – or attempt to be – a funny guy, as some of you might have noticed. I will go to extraordinary lengths, often risking life and limb, for the benefit of a cheap laugh. Engendering amusement in others is like crack to me, as long as they’re laughing with me and not at me – but anything in a pinch, really. I guess what I’m really doing here is coming out of the closet as a total attention whore: I crave the spotlight and I crave external validation, so the two go neatly hand-in-glove with trying to be clever.

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We Are Family: Top Three Dysfuntional Relations

4 Feb

All right, all right, I know some of you loyal readers out there are going to accuse me of being a pony with only a handful of tricks to my name, and I’d probably agree with you if I cared at all for having my job explained to me by the people who return day after day despite their griping about recycled jokes and tired content and MS Paint. But I have to say this three-part blog template is vastly preferable to rattling on ad nauseum for two or three thousand words about the same story, and if you search your feelings, young Padawan, I’m sure you’ll come around to my way of thinking.

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