Good morning friends, and welcome back to Monday here at State of Affairs. Today, Lu Galasso (of Inching Towards Mediocrity) and yours truly are continuing our castigation/mockery/sometimes serious take on this year’s People’s Choice Awards. Friday we tackled the hilariously-underperforming Movie category, in which I was called out for electing Robert Downey Jr. as king of everything without having seen Iron Man 2. To my detractors I say this: I couldn’t get my hands on that movie, so I rewatched Sherlock Holmes and my decision stands. Too bad for you.
Anyway, on to part two: TELEVISION! (Disclaimer: once again, my votes are going to be skewed a bit because I don’t really watch television, but given the choices in most of the categories, I’m going to assume whoever runs the PCAs doesn’t really watch television either.)
Favourite TV Drama
Alex: House, MD
First: enough with the vampires. Seriously, enough. I’m not kidding. Now that we’re done there, my nomination goes immediately to House, because as much as it gets tiring watching the same plot line repeat itself ad nauseam, at least it’s a plot line I like. And Hugh Laurie is my hero.
Lu: House, MD
Boy vampires are popular, huh? Between Twilight, True Blood and apparently something called The Vampire Diaries, these guys seem to be everywhere. I think it’s about time somebody make a show about a Frankenstein.
Favourite TV Drama Actor
Alex: Hugh Laurie
It would be awfully silly of me to pick anybody but the star of my favourite TV drama, wouldn’t it? How would I explain that, exactly? It would be madness. Cats and dogs living together madness.
Lu: Hugh Laurie
Anyone ever hear Hugh Laurie’s British accent? It is absolutely atrocious!
Favourite TV Drama Actress
Alex: Lisa Edelstein
I agree with you, House. It’s very hard to look this woman in the eye. Leaving aside the fact she should have been fired a hundred times over for gross incompetence (aka letting House do anything, ever) she plays the part with style and grace. And lovely attributes. Congratulations Lisa.
Lu: Julianna Margulies
I’ve always liked Julianna Margulies. She’s beautiful, talented, and she had an affair with Tony Soprano. What’s not to like? (I’m aware that nothing I have noted has anything to do, really, with her current show. As I have no clue what her current show is, expect it to stay that way).
Favourite TV Comedy
Alex: Big Bang Theory
I grew up around nerds. Some have said I might even be one myself, but don’t believe them because I’m super-suave. That said, I get *all* the jokes on “Big Bang Theory”, and I’m consistently impressed they pay more attention to details in their jokes than Rick Berman did to continuity during his entire run on Star Trek. Ahem. Not a nerd.
Lu: Modern Family
Modern Family is really good. Like, seriously. How I Met Your Mother, while not groundbreaking, is an enjoyable enough time passer – and would rate higher if they did away with the scourge that is the laugh track. Expect Two And a Half Men to win this, though, followed by me hurling my TV off of a roof like a bad Letterman sketch.
Favourite TV Comedy Actor
Alex: Jim Parsons
While NPH was a very close contender by virtue of being NPH, I had to go with Jim Parsons, who must have spent months working at the JPL and attending LAN parties and D&D nights in somebody’s mom’s basement to prepare for this role, because he NAILS IT.
Lu: Neil Patrick Harris
Actually not a bad category. I’m a fan of all of these guys (yes, even Matthew Morrison – but more for his performance of “Springtime for Hitler” at a show honoring Mel Brooks than anything else), but I’m gonna give NPH the edge. Baldwin and Carrell, while still very good, are also a tad overplayed at this point – and have enough hardware between the two of them to build the Iron Giant. Also, NPH is just awesome.
Favourite TV Comedy Actress
Alex: Alyson Hannigan
You might think I’d jump directly on Tina Fey, and you’d be right if you were speaking literally rather than figuratively. But instead I chose to jump on Alyson Hannigan, mostly because she’s one of the sweetest women to come out of Hollywood (I loved her in “Buffy” too). Alyson Hannigan, literally and figuratively.
Lu: Alyson Hannigan
Fey, like Baldwin and Carrell, while a consummate pro, has had her day in the sun. And, while Jane Lynch may very well be the Funniest Woman Alive, I don’t (surprise, surprise!) particularly care for Glee. I’ve always been a fan of Hannigan’s, and it’s nice to see her finally get some recognition for her talents.
Favourite Competition Show
Alex: Hell’s Kitchen
As a general rule I hate competition shows with the burning fervor of a thousand suns and I hope Simon Cowell contracts chlamydia in his eyes. But my roommate has been working his way through Hell’s Kitchen on DVD, and if there are two things I love in this world almost as much as a good scotch, they’re food and verbally assailing people. For this reason Gordon Ramsay’s hilarious cooking show gets my blessing. Best I’ve seen since Yan Can Cook.
Lu: Absolutely Not
Favourite TV Crime Drama
Alex: You mean I have to pick just one?
Ah, we’ve reached the second of my “please get over this craze” categories. Soon, Hollywood will make a show about vampire crime fighters. Oh, wait. They did. It was called “Angel” and it was TERRIBLE. At least David Boreanaz had the good grace to disappear and never do another crime-related television show again. Oh, wait.
So, David Boreanaz is still getting work, and no one has heard from Sarah Michelle Gellar in like nine years. Did ANYBODY see that coming?
Favourite TV Crime Fighter
Alex: Tim Roth
I know it’s kind of hypocritical for me to pick a favourite in this category given I just trashed the whole genre, but motherfucking TIm Roth is on this list. In my opinion, Tim Roth should be on all of these lists. He’d probably win at least once. So, Tim Roth.
Lu: Emily Deschanel
Emily Deschanel is crazy hot. I have nothing else to add here.
Favourite Sci-Fi/Fantasy Show
Alex: It would be illogical to vote on this category
Two vampire shows. Two. And I’m willing to bet “Supernatural” has probably dealt with at least one blood-sucker in its inexplicably long run. I haven’t seen “Fringe” but people tell me I’d like it, and as far as Smallville is concerned — even my nerd tendencies extend only so far. I think I’ll stick to my Firefly and TNG box sets, thanks.
I can’t believe they didn’t try to shoehorn Twilight into this somehow. Regardless, I still expect it to win.
Favourite Talk Show Host
Alex: Conan O’Brien
I really don’t watch talk shows. I’ve never liked them, outside the occasional episode of The Daily Show, so I’m not versed enough to make a legitimate choice here. All the cool kids seem to like the new bearded Conan, though, so I’ll go with that (and his Twitter feed is pretty awesome). Also: George Lopez makes me want to commit a hate crime. Possibly several. And Oprah is the eater of worlds, and of children.
Lu: Conan O’Brien
Despite never having met a fan of George Lopez in the real world, he continues to pop up every now and again, seemingly indestructible – like the Blob, only with less stage presence and older jokes.
Favourite TV Obsession
Alex: White Collar
A lot of people expected me to go directly to Dexter, what with my penchant for witticisms and grotesque violence visited upon people based on my moral superiority. But the fact is I can’t get past Michael C. Hall – he’s still the gay brother from Six Feet Under to me. So my vote goes to White Collar: one of the most genuinely imaginative premises I’ve seen from network TV in years. Also: white collar criminals are douchebags that should get what’s coming to them. Take note, Dexter.
Lu: White Collar
I don’t know what “Favorite TV Obsession” means as a category, which is unfortunate and ironic, as it’s honestly the most respectable category in this entire shambles of an award show. Dexter is amazing, Burn Notice is a lot of fun, and True Blood is something of an Anna Paquin fueled guilty pleasure. I’m gonna give it to reasonable newcomer White Collar though, as it’s also a very good show. Tough category; and that’s probably the last time I’ll say that without irony.
Favourite TV Guilty Pleasure
Alex: Get fucked
You know what? Fuck you, People’s Choice Awards. There’s no such thing as a guilty pleasure. If you like something, don’t be guilty about it – just like it. Otherwise shut up and go away. I extend the same advice to every single person involved with every entry on this stupid list.
Lu: Lake Shore
Interesting tidbit. My fair city of Toronto is attempting to get it’s own version of Jersey Shore off the ground – appropriately titled LAKEshore. In unrelated news, I have decided to destroy the world.
Favourite TV Guest Star
Alex: Betty White
They’re really combing the bottom of the barrel with some of these categories. Do you know how much TV you’d have to watch to have an opinion on something like “favourite guest star”? You’d have to watch all these shows religiously enough to know or care that some B-list celebrity is going to appear on a given episode, and frankly I don’t have that kind of time. Nor should you, actually. Shame on you.
Lu: Neil Patrick Harris
Neil Patrick Harris is pretty amazing, so I’ll go with him. Dude’s been on fire as of late. That, coupled with the fact that I don’t know whether Demi Lovato is a man or a woman, made this one pretty easy to pick.
Favourite TV Doctor
Somebody once told me that Gregory House is me with a doctorate and a bum leg. I took that as a compliment of the highest order.
Lu: Dr. Dough Ross
There are five nominations here. Three of them are from Grey’s Anatomy. Two of them are from House.
God I miss George Clooney
Favourite TV Family
Alex: The Simpsons
Wow. Two shows that have jumped the shark so many times they’re turning it into an Olympic event, the life of Charlie Sheen minus all those pesky domestic violence suits, a bunch of gold-digging whores and their trophy families, and some show I’ve never seen. How about we pretend the last ten years never happened so I can vote for The Simpsons with something other than teary nostalgia as my reasoning?
Lu: The Dunphys/Pritchards
What do you get when you have two remarkably hot wives, a nine year old Columbian kid in a smoking jacket who’s afraid of butterflies, and Ed fucking O’Neil? The (hopeful) winner of this category.
Favourite Family TV Movie
Alex: Give me a break
Somebody, somewhere, assumed the best way to make a family movie EVEN BETTER would be to halve its budget, populate it with people you’ve never heard of, put it on network television and give it a name like iCarly or the hilariously-titled Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam. Somewhat disturbingly, that name presupposes a Camp Rock 1 that people loved so much it demanded a sequel. I hate you all.
Lu: Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam
Unsurprisingly, I have seen none of these, and most “family movies” are terrible anyways. Toss into that the ol’ “made for TV” angle, and one can only imagine the level of terribleness that will arise from that. Or rather don’t imagine that, as it will probably drive you insane in the same manner that witnessing a Lovecraftian demon would. Regardless of that fact, Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam is one of the most hilariously inept titles I have ever heard. So I’m probably going to have to go with that.
Favourite TV Chef
Alex: Gordon Ramsay
Seriously: what kind of world are we living in when we actually have a choice of chefs-cum-television personalities to choose from? This in a world where half the population is literally starving to death. I almost feel guilty voting in this category, except if I don’t vote for Gordon Ramsay he may swear me to death.
Lu: Gordon Ramsay
Rachel Ray IS oddly attractive, but then so is Gordon Ramsay, so that’s where I stand on this.
Favourite New TV Drama
Alex: No Ordinary Family
Leaving aside the obvious nitpick that two of these franchises are reboots (no doubt all gritty with a brown filter on the lens), I honestly haven’t seen most of these shows. Not because I don’t want to – because I don’t care. So my pick will go to No Ordinary Family, featuring the scary cop from The Shield as the live-action Mister Incredible. Now that I’ve said I like this show, it will be canceled within a season.
Lu: Blue Blood
My dad watches this show. And that is literally the extent of my knowledge on ANY of these shows. So while I should probably gracefully bow out of voting on this one, instead I’ll just go with “Blue Blood.” Also, Tom Selleck!
Favourite New TV Comedy
Alex: Nope, can’t do it
As with the dramas, I haven’t seen any of these shows, and while I’m tempted to give the award to the irritatingly-censored “S#*! My Dad Says” because it stars William Shatner and everything that man touches turns to Command Shirt Gold (shut up, it does), I’m going to have to give this entire category a pass.
Lu: Can’t do it either
These all sound absolutely terrible. Somebody resurrect Kelsey Grammar, stat!
And that’s part two. I’m fully expecting to get more shit from some of my more vocal readers on my choices (you know who you are) and I have three words for you: bring it on. Stay tuned for the final part in this stupidly-long series tomorrow when Lu and I deal with Music And Everything Else.