Welcome back dear readers. Yes, it’s actually me – the prodigal son of State of Affairs has returned, albeit briefly, to titillate your hate-bone once again.
My good friend Lu Galasso of Inching Towards Mediocrity, who has generously donated his time in the past while doing guest posts for SoA, informed me this morning that voting has opened for this year’s People’s Choice Awards. For the uninitiated, the PCAs are sort of a poor man’s Oscars, Grammies and Golden Globes rolled into one – with all the pomp and circumstance that entails, no doubt. Reading through the nominations, we found (somewhat unsurprisingly) we share a mutual distaste for most things pop-culture. And then, after a few whiskies, we got to thinking – hey! We’re blog writers! Blogs exist for the express purpose of inundating the internet with our jaded opinions! Let’s do a post on the People’s Choice Awards and give people the serious skinny on what’s good and what sucks!
Then we realized there are no fewer than forty-four categories. That’s a lot of hate for one sitting, so we’ve decided to do a multi-part blog detailing our picks – when applicable (hint: rarely) – and our scorn and mockery for the rest. Today: MOVIES!
Not a bad line up to start off (excepting Twilight, naturally). Honestly I probably would have gone with Iron Man 2 had I seen it, but since I didn’t I’m casting my vote for Inception: one of the first truly original ideas to come out of Hollywood in a long time. It’s far from being perfect, but I certainly got my ten dollars’ worth of enjoyment out of it, and given my unfairly high standards, that’s really saying something.
Lu: Toy Story 3
We begin our saga with the favorite movie category, and I begin to immediately regret this decision. Alice in Wonderland was nobody’s favorite movie. Ever. And Twilight makes it’s first, of I’m sure many appearances. My enthusiasm for the People’s Choice Awards (such as it was) is already on its way to the bar to get drunk. I have a feeling I will be joining it soon.
Alex: Robert Downey, Jr.
Robert Downey Jr. first appeared on my radar after I saw “Tropic Thunder” and he’s stayed there since. Thanks to Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes I’ve pretty much decided the guy can do no wrong – he’s the ONLY reason I’m interested in seeing “Due Date”.
Lu: Robert Downey, Jr.
This category starts out respectfully enough, with perennial favorites like Johnny Depp, Leo DiCaprio and Robert Downey’s son taking the top spots. Despite their over-saturation these days (especially Depp) I can’t fault these choices; then the Twilight Saga once again rears its ugly head, and we descend into madness. Hunky, chiseled, unwashed hair madness.
Alex: Katherine Heigl
In another example of Hollywood’s “spoiled for choice” categories, I went with Katherine Heigl for totally aesthetic reasons. Translation: she’s really hot, and given my other choices, “hot” transcends the limited acting ability I see represented here.
Lu: Julia Roberts
Was Julia Roberts even in a movie this year? Do people still care about Jennifer Anniston? Who IS Kristin Stewart? So many questions.
Favourite Action Movie
Alex: Kick Ass
Say what you want about the comic-to-movie translation of “Kick Ass”, fanboys: any movie starring Nicholas Cage I can sit through without wanting to visit the kind of death upon him in real life that he experienced on-screen wins for me. Also: Chloe Moritz is someone to watch in Hollywood. Mark my words.
Lu: Robin Hood
Actually not a bad category considering. I’ll go with Robin Hood just because it’s the underdog and because, hey, I liked it. Shocked as hell they didn’t manage to shoehorn Twilight in here as well. Was there action in that movie? Was there anything?
Favorite Action Star
Alex: Robert Downey Jr.
Since I’ve already said what I need to say about Robert, here’s the rundown of why the rest don’t make the cut: Angelina Jolie bores me to tears, I’ve never even heard of Bradley Cooper, Jackie Chan is just too far out of his prime (and he did Karate Kid), and Donnie Darko will never be an action star. Gay cowboy is the closest he comes.
Lu: Robert Downey Jr.
I was not aware that Jake Gyllenhaal was an “action star.” Nor was I aware that Jackie Chan was still making movies. Turns out the People’s Choice Awards CAN be educational!
Favourite Drama Movie
Come on – Alice in Wonderland? TWILIGHT? Orson Wells would have choked on his pie to see this lineup. Slim pickings in this category, and to be fair I haven’t seen The Social Network yet, so Inception it is.
The fact that apparently Alice in Wonderland is considered a drama and Twilight is considered a movie make this category pretty much a dead issue.
Favourite Family Movie
Alex: no nomination
Family movies unilaterally suck. I don’t care if that’s an overreaching statement – it’s true and YOU ALL KNOW IT. Things made for kids are as shitty as kids themselves.
Lu: Toy Story 3
This is a legitimately good movie. And those have been few and far between on this nominations list….so for that reason, and that reason alone, I’m pickin’ it.
Favourite Comedy Movie
Alex: Easy A
Honestly, I haven’t seen any of these movies, but I’m interested in checking out Easy A because Emma Stone is awesome, and I’ll admit Date Night looks pretty good if only because I think that comedy team-up could have huge potential.
Lu: Date Night
Date Night is the only one on this list that I’ve seen. It made for decent hungover-Sunday viewing, and nothing more. I’m sure there were more worthy comedies this year, but they were probably banned from being nominated.
Favourite Comedic Star
Alex: Steve Carrell
First of all, what’s Drew Barrymore doing on this list? The only time she’s in comedies is when she’s attached to someone funny (Hugh Grant, Adam Sandler, whatever). She’s not funny. And Will Ferrell is astonishing in his ability to not make me laugh, ever. The other three have their moments, but The Forty Year Old Virgin is enough to make me nominate Steve Carrell.
Lu: Steve Carrell
Is Drew Barrymore still working? Is Adam Sandler still relevant? Ironically enough, I believe this is the only category where I probably WOULD vote for one of the Twilighters.
Favourite On Screen Team
Alex: Robert Downey Jr. and Don Cheadle
Having not seen most of these movies, it’s hard for me to say: I can tell you without a doubt that Eclipse would not make my list even if I’d been railroaded into seeing that piece of shit. I’ll hedge my bets and assume Robert Downey Jr. and Don Cheadle are as good as that pairing sounds.
Lu: Robert Downey Jr. and Don Cheadle
Probably going to have to stick with the super team of Downey and Cheadle for this one, if for no other reason than the hilarious amount of couple names we can create for them. Downle? Cheany? Deadle? The possibilities are endless.
Favourite Movie Star Under 25
Alex: really? Come on.
Oh God. Really? So my choices are a woman the creepier elements of the internet community have been itching to see turn 18, a crack whore, some sparkly douchenozzle, Girl I’ve Never Heard Of, and the guy with the worst haircut ever. Can I have…another choice?
Lu: Emma Watson
I’m sure this will lead to some kind of historical tie where both of the Twilight kids walk away with the award after awkwardly appearing on stage together and kissing uncomfortably for the teeny-bopper crowd’s enjoyment of mediocrity…dear god I sound jaded and old here. Give it to the wizard chick.
Favourite Horror Movie
Alex: Let the Right One In
No fewer than three of these films (Crazies, Let Me In, Nightmare) are remakes, and the other two are playing on tropes I’m so bored of I could eat my own face. Fuck this: I’m nominating Let The Right One In, the far superior (and original) Swedish version of this watery American turd. Second place goes to the original Nightmare because nobody can replace Robert Englund. Not even Rorschach.
Lu: exercising his right not to nominate
Aren’t these all remakes? Conversely, weren’t these all terrible? One could also make the argument that no Resident Evil film has ever been considered a “horror movie” but what’s the point?
And there you have it, folks: our castigation of part one is complete. Tune in for part two, coming on Monday! Have a great weekend, and remember to watch a decent movie this weekend to scour the taste of poo left by the choices of the People. Who are these people, I wonder – certainly not anybody who reads this blog, I’m sure. Right? Right.