The Awesome NEW BIBLE! (SoA Guest Post)

23 Sep

Hello again, loyal readers. I’m currently away from the Compound for a photo shoot that’s unrelated to anything I do here at State of Affairs, but in the interest of giving you something fun and/or educational to read today (you know, because you always come here for educational purposes) I’ve enlisted my Correspondent, the Reverend Dwight Q. Fitch, to tell you about his incredible new publication. (ed. note: Reverend Dwight Q. Fitch may or may not be an ordained minister. I didn’t ask. I don’t want to know.) So enjoy this Thursday’s SoA Guest Blog, and have a great weekend.

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The awesome NEW BIBLE!

If you’re like me, you’re in your den, reading the Bible for the hundredth time, and you feel compelled to skip over the boring and/or obviously incorrect parts of it, but you’re afraid of what Jesus might think. Worry no more! BIBLEco has the innovative, incredible NEWBIBLE System that cuts out all of the nonsensical, yawn-inducing crap that once made the Bible such a struggle to read cover to cover!

NEWBIBLE has cut out all of the morally questionable material in the Bible that is difficult to explain to children, such as human sacrifices, genocides, mutilation, intolerance, mistreatment of women, incompatibility with modern science and things that don’t make any sense whatsoever. In the place of those things, NEWBIBLE has added some fresh, hip new passages and pop culture references that are sure to spice up any Bible reading session! Wanna read about Moses surfing the parted Red Sea? Hang ten! What about Jesus riding a velociraptor? Giddy up, pardner!

Here’s a few samples of some of the changes:

-Ezekiel saying that he was floored by God’s genitals (Ezekiel 1:27) will be replaced by a cool skateboarding adventure.
-God and Satan teaming up to kill all of Job’s servants, livestock and children (Job 1:14-1:19) will be replaced by a humorous description of a monkey doing back flips, then falling down and hurting his bum.
-God sending two she-bears to kill forty-two children for making fun of a bald man (2 Kings 2:23-2:24) will be replaced by a picture of a LOLcat playfully pawing at a remote control with “I CAN HAZ BIG BANG THEORY?” written underneath it.
-David buying his first wife with the foreskins of the two hundred Philistine men he killed (1 Samuel 18:25-27) will be replaced with a transcribed episode of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”.
And much, much more!

I know you’re ready to pick up the phone and call right now, but here’s another reason to order NEWBIBLE: the NEWBIBLE is on tape! That’s right, the God-Approved NEWBIBLE is on cassette, CD, and Blu-Ray/DVD for the first time ever! Listen to the melodic voice of irreverent, hilarious comedian Ray Romano as he reads NEWBIBLE — from Moses communicating with a burning bush to Boo-Boo’s magical pizza party — it’s all there, and all available on cassette, CD, or Blu-Ray/DVD!

If you order NEWBIBLE right now, not only do you get the free Ray Romano NEWBIBLE-on-tape, you also get the Jesus-approved NEWBIBLE Magic 8-Ball: a device that lets you communicate directly to our Lord and Saviour, Jesus “H” Christ! Get advice about your finances, your love life, disciplining your children, and dealing with your crippling mental health issues, all in a “yes/no/ask-later” format! Never again will you have to sit around like a complete idiot waiting for your prayers to be answered, or waiting for a sign from God about whether you should get that important surgery, just shake the Jesus-approved NEWBIBLE Magic 8-Ball and have your questions answered immediately!

Last but not least, I’m sure all of us have thought at one point or another about our furry friends — our beloved pets — worried whether they’re going to make it into heaven with us. Worry no longer, staunch believer! BIBLEco to the rescue! For a limited time, BIBLEco is adding the new GODCOLLAR technology to the NEWBIBLE Package. When Saint Peter greets you at the end of that bright tunnel, reading from the book that determines who spends the rest of their existence in heaven, and who is damned to the fiery pits of hellacious eternal torment, make sure that your pet gets access to the doggy-dog in the pearly gates by acquiring your GODCOLLAR today, and it’s free when you order your NEWBIBLE system!

Do not hesitate: NEWBIBLE truly is the Bible of the future. Call now!

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