Are You There God? It’s Me, Pat: Robertson vs The Almighty

14 Jan

The following is an Original State of Affairs Stage Play.  It is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is completely on purpose.  It is a matter of public record that Pat Robertson is this big a prick, and we can only hope God Almighty is half this cool.  The writer would like to acknowledge the contributions of Brent Chittenden for suggesting the topic.

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Pat

A STAGE PLAY

Dramatis Personae

GOD (VOICEOVER)………………………………………..EDDIE IZZARD emulating JAMES MASON

PAT ROBERTSON………………………………………………………………………………………………HIMSELF

VOICE OF JESUS……………………………………………………………………………………….LEWIS BLACK

VOICE OF THE HOLY GHOST………………………………………………………………STEPHEN LYNCH

SCENE

PAT ROBERTSON sits alone in his study, reading. Bookshelves line the walls, full of religious texts including various translations of the HOLY BIBLE, as well as several money-making self-help books and Machiavelli’s THE LITTLE PRINCE. PAT is wearing a white COLLARED SHIRT underneath a BEIGE CARDIGAN, with BLACK SLACKS pulled up far too high, exposing beige socked feet stuffed into a pair of FUZZY SLIPPERS.

His DESK is stacked with PAMPHLETS promoting pro-life and anti-gay causes, and is dominated by a large STATUE depicting the crucifixion. Several other CRUCIFIXES can be seen throughout the room. Flanking the DESK is a large red ROTARY TELEPHONE closely resembling the 1960s BAT PHONE on one side, and an antique TWO WAY RADIO on the other.

PAT closes the BOOK he is reading (L. Ron Hubbard’s DIANETICS) and replaces one of several BOOKMARKS in the volume.

PAT

Hm. Smart guy.

(reaches for TELEPHONE, rotates DIAL to “7”. Phone rings.)

FEMALE VOICEOVER

Welcome to the Paradise Wireless Voice Messaging Center. The voice mail box belonging to –

JESUS

Jesus Henry Christ –

FEMALE VOICEOVER

— is currently full. Please try again later. If this is an emergency prayer consultation, please hang up and dial 1-800-U-SINNER. A fifty-cent charge will apply.

PAT hangs up the PHONE abruptly and reaches for the TWO WAY RADIO.

PAT

Lousy kid never checks his messages. Guess I’ll have to go right to the source.

PAT clicks on the TWO WAY RADIO.

PAT

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Over.

HOLY GHOST

This is the Holy Ghost seven-seven-niner. Can I get a ten-twenty-eight on this channel?

PAT

O Holy Ghost, this is Pat. Is the Lord Our God available?

HOLY GHOST

Pat? Pat who?

PAT

Pat Robertson. The Reverend Pat Robertson? From Lexington?

HOLY GHOST

That’s a big ten-seventy-seven there, Pat. You’re not ringing any bells here.

PAT

Oh come on, you miserable shade. Surely you’ve seen the 700 Club. Don’t even try to tell me Heaven doesn’t get Christian cable television.

HOLY GHOST

Wait – Jimmy Swaggert?

PAT

NO! Tarnation, I was nearly President of these United States! You must know who I am!

HOLY GHOST

Wait a minute…I think I’m starting to remember you. You’re the “I can bench press two thousand pounds thanks to the power of the Christ Shake” guy, aren’t you?

PAT

Yes! Yes, and I stand by those statements! Now will you please put me through?

HOLY GHOST

Do you have an appointment?

PAT

NO! The Lord and I have a standing agreement! I’m to be His voice on Earth! He told me so in a dream.

HOLY GHOST

Oh, right – was this the same dream that told you Judgement Day was impending in 1982?

PAT

So the lines got crossed once or twice. That isn’t the point. I will speak with the Lord, now.

HOLY GHOST

Oh, yes. The Big Guy just IM’d me – apparently He has a few minutes to talk to you. I’ll put you through now. Ten-four, good buddy, and may the road rise up to meet you!

A click sounds over the RADIO and the voice of the HOLY GHOST is replaced by the voice of GOD.

PAT

Lord, is that you?

GOD

Oh, yes, good morning Marion. How fare you this fine Me-given day?

PAT

Lord, I’ve asked you not to call me that. My name is Pat.

GOD

Come now, Marion is your Christian name, isn’t it?

PAT

Yes, but it’s so…effeminate. And I know how You feel about homosexuals.

GOD

Yes, well, you’ve made that quite clear, I should think. Didn’t you once predict that a hurricane would wipe out Florida in response to Disney World’s Gay Day?

PAT

Well,, there were hurricanes.

GOD

Yes, there surely were. As I remember, hurricanes struck Virginia Beach particularly hard. Don’t you broadcast your little show from there, Marion?

PAT

I don’t see how that’s relevant. And my name is Pat.

GOD

You wouldn’t, would you? Well, I digress. What’s so important, Marion, that you needed to drag Me out of My morning massage to talk to Me? I was quite looking forward to it; My shoulders have been so stiff of late. Sorting through prayers for new alternators and promotions and lottery winnings takes a lot more out of Me than it used to, it seems. Getting old, I suppose. I’m thinking of outsourcing. I hear Vishnu might have some people in his department with a little flex-time.

PAT

Lord! Vishnu isn’t real – he’s just one of a hundred million idols those demonic Hindus play at worshipping! No better than a golden calf!

GOD

Try telling him that. I imagine he’d be quite cross, so to speak. (laughs) Now, please get to your point, Marion. When I made the day twenty-four hours I expected that to be quite long enough, but as it is I’m missing Coronation Street, so not to put too fine a point on the matter, but do get on with it.

PAT

Lord, I’m confused.

GOD

I gathered as much, but that’s hardly news.

PAT

I’ve made it my life’s work to bring Your Word to America, Lord, but I fear they might be missing the point. Again and again I’ve tried to warn them that their sinful ways would bring about their downfall, but they refuse to listen to me! My entire congregation is composed of trailer park dwellers, NRA members and monster-truck enthusiasts – everyone else either ignores Your message as I deliver it, or else they mock and belittle me. I know You work in mysterious ways, but frankly You’ve left me completely baffled this time.

GOD

Well, you see Marion –

PAT

Pat!

GOD

— you see, Marion, the trouble is you’re not very often right. And to be honest, you’re a little overzealous even for My tastes. I think your heart is in the right place, but my goodness, you are a little outspoken, aren’t you?

PAT

I’m only repeating the Word of God, Lord.

GOD

Marion, Marion. Did you actually read all those versions of the Bible on your bookshelf, or did you just nip out to Barnes and Noble and pick up the Cliff Notes?

PAT

Lord, I don’t –

GOD

Understand. Yes, we’ve been through that. Marion, it would appear to Me that you’re picking and choosing which messages to hear and which you do not. All this talk of disasters and terrorist attacks being My retribution – goodness! I created an entire universe! Do you really think I’ve the time to ponce around monitoring weather patterns and governing roving packs of extremists on your little planet? Not to be rude, Marion, but just because My Son took a shine to your particular heap of earth – and look what good that did him, by the way – does not mean I have time to concern myself with slapping atheists on the wrist. I may be omniscient, but I do have My own interests, you know. I’m God – why should I forgo my weekly game of squash with Charles just because you people can’t seem to stop throwing My name around to justify all of your political faffing about?

PAT

Charles?

GOD

Yes. Charles. As in Darwin? The man has one twat of an overhand swing, I don’t mind telling you.

PAT

But Darwin is a heretic! He’d have us believe we – evolved – from apes! The thought of it is ludicrous!

GOD

Now, don’t be so hard on your simian brothers, Marion. They’re noble creatures. You people could take a page from them. You don’t see them fighting one another tooth-and-nail over the remains of some dinosaur bones, do you?

PAT

Dinosaur – you mean oil?

GOD

Ah, you see, now you’re beginning to listen! Seems I am capable of miracles, after all.

PAT

This is insane. I must be dreaming.

GOD

Well, if you are dreaming, make sure you take proper notes this time. I don’t want to hear any more nonsense from you about Me sending earthquakes to punish islanders for – what was it you said the other day – making a deal with the Devil?

PAT

But Lord, that’s precisely what happened! How else could you expect a group of Godless, hoodoo-voodoo slaves to successfully rebel against their White Christian leaders? It could only have been through the support of Satan that those degenerates were able to rise up and slaughter the French, who were well-armed and prepared for just such a heretical uprising! And look at their history since then – poverty, crime, violence. It’s a veritable Sodom and Gomorrah down there, and just as You punished those sinners in Biblical times, so you visited Your wrath upon the citizens of Haiti who turned their backs on Your light!

GOD

Excuse me a moment Marion; if we’re going to continue this conversation, I have a feeling I’m going to need some propping-up.

The sound of a BUZZER is heard, followed by GOD turning from the TWO WAY RADIO and speaking into an intercom.

GOD

Yes, Miss Hansen? You’d better put an extra helping of gin in My tea when you bring it in. I’m afraid Marion has given Me quite the shaking-up, and I need something to steady My nerves.

BUZZER sounds again, and GOD’s voice returns to the TWO WAY RADIO.

GOD

Right then. Let Me explain this to you in very simple terms, so I’m certain you’ll understand. Or, at least as certain as I can be. First of all, where do you get the idea that Satan has any more time than I have for fuddling about in your affairs? That poor fellow is quite busy enough governing Hell, for one thing, and for another, ever since the unfortunate incident in Georgia with that fiddler boy, he’s been less inclined to make deals with you people. Cost benefit analysis, as I understand it.

Furthermore, your understanding of vodou is about as extensive as My understanding of American football. Yes, the Haitian people worship several deities, but they also believe in Bondye, the One True God who doesn’t meddle in human affairs – the minor deities function as sort of middle-management in the hierarchy of the cosmos. I happen to know Bondye, Marion, and while I’m not fussed about his fashion sense I can assure you he and Satan have about as much in common as you do with a rational man. Certainly the Haitians visited some awfully ambitious retribution of their own on the French, but to suggest they did so at the behest of Satan is a fool’s errand. In fact, I lunched with Lucifer Thursday last and your name came up – he’s had rather enough of you piling the responsibility for the nastiness you people wreak on each other at his doorstep, he’d like you to know. He’s not a bad chap, disagreements aside, and it’s hardly fair for you to exercise the free will I gave you and then start throwing stones at other people’s windows when you have so much to answer for yourselves.

PAT

Lord, there is a difference! What we good Christians do, we do in Your name and with Your blessing!

GOD

Tosh! Do you think I’d sign off on something like the Crusades? How about the Inquisition, or perhaps your unfathomable treatment of your own Native cultures – all in My name or the name of My Son! He’s none too pleased with you either, I might add – all that talk about “Jesus’ Name” when you’ve not listened to a word that sprightly little hippie tried to tell you. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Marion – and I’ll wager you’ve lobbed more rocks in your time than anyone should, in good conscience. All that dross about “faith healing”, not to mention all that funnelled money from Operation Blessing, hm?

PAT

You…You knew about that?

GOD

I would point out the definition of “omniscient”, Marion, if I thought you could spell it.

Ah, my tea has arrived.

GOD takes a sip of tea and sighs contentedly.

GOD

Say what you will about the British, but they make a fine gin.

PAT

But the Haitians, Lord – You’re saying You didn’t cause the earthquake?

GOD

My dear boy, have you not heard a word I’ve said? Earthquakes are caused by tectonic plate movement and geothermal pressure and…why am I telling you this? Go read a book! A real one, not some dogmatic text people like you have been editing for their own ends since one of you learned how to use your opposable thumbs for something other than twatting one another over the head with big sticks. There is absolutely no connection between the Haitian Revolt and an earthquake over two hundred years later. If I had anything to do with it, do you really think I would have sat around twiddling my thumbs for two centuries before I did something about it?

It’s nothing to do with me, Marion. I gave you people free will to do with as you would – that’s rather the whole point, wouldn’t you say? Take you for example. You have a choice to make. You’re a wealthy man, and respected – no matter how inexplicable that may seem. You have influence and resources you could use to help those poor people in Haiti – you know, the sort of thing My Son might have done. But instead you choose to follow in the footsteps of their former oppressor. Napoleon Bonaparte was a small man who made up for his diminutive height by building a brutal empire; you are a small man who uses My Name to further your own small views of Creation.

PAT

What are you saying?

GOD

I’m saying, Marion, that you are a prat. A tosser. A wanker. An honest-to-Me wrongheaded, foolhardy, pretentious liar with a terrible haircut. And I’ve spent quite enough time listening to your nattering. I’ve a lunch date with Buddha at half-one this afternoon. We’re going to Market to eat scones and talk about Universal Oneness, and I would like a chance to review my notes on Siddhartha before I leave.

PAT

But –

GOD

I suggest you think hard about your life decisions, Marion. If I wasn’t such a forgiving God I would have half a mind to give Saint Peter your picture and have him leave you in Purgatory’s waiting room for a few millennia, but I don’t know if I’ll have time to run the photo down to the pearly gates before your impending aneurism.

PAT

My WHAT?

GOD

Oh dear, I’ve said too much again. Must learn to watch My tongue – otherwise someone might misinterpret what I’ve said, eh? Good day to you.

The RADIO goes dead.

PAT puts the RADIO down on his desk and picks up a PEN. He begins writing.

PAT VOICEOVER

Dear dream journal: I spoke with the Lord this morning, and it’s become clear to me that the Almighty has lost His mind. He can’t mean the things He said! I know what’s best for America – for the world – and I’ll not stop until every last man, woman and child on earth recites the Lord’s Prayer every morning before tuning into the 700 Club on their way out the door to blow up an abortion clinic, attend a book burning or at least beat up a faggot or two. If it takes the rest of my life –

GOD’S voice booms through the room, interrupting PAT’S voiceover.

GOD

I’m still omniscient, Marion.

PAT jumps to his feet, brandishing his PEN like a sword.

PAT

MY NAME IS PAT! PAAAAAAAAAAAAAA –

PAT suddenly drops the PEN, grabs his head and utters a death gurgle. Blood pours out of his nose and ears and he collapses to the floor.

Exeunt.

Curtain .

********************************************

For more on Haiti, go check out Jeff Oh’s article at Keep Your Coins, I Want Change.  You know, if you can take any more awesome today.

2 Responses to “Are You There God? It’s Me, Pat: Robertson vs The Almighty”

  1. Shannon t. January 22, 2010 at 10:52 PM #

    Interesting…. I didn’t realize how little I paid attention to religion until I had to look up who Pat Robinson was.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. SOA Top Five Comedic Personalities featuring Inching Towards Mediocrity « State of Affairs - February 10, 2010

    […] means nobody, not even me, could ape his style on the page. Of course, I tried anyway: see my Pat Robertson stage play in which the voice of God is played (in my mind!) by Eddie doing Mason. And if you haven’t […]

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