New State of Affairs is coming down the tubes for later today, my good friends and readers, but in the meantime Jeff Oh over at Keep Your Coins, I Want Change decided he’s had enough of my sporadic update schedule and has taken it upon himself to remedy the situation. So without further ado, I give you this month’s installment of the SoA Guest Blog, courtesy of the mighty Jeff.
Hello there my Kittens!!!
Today I am hijacking the might SOA page from our dear chum Alex James who claims to have writers block….or a rash….or a hangover. Either way he was deeply apologetic, embarrassed and not in good form.
We’re used to that kind of thing from him by the way. Good lad to have handy in the trenches, but not much good when the bill comes ’round.
So with that rather than leaving you, the faithful State of Affairs readers without something to entertain you while are at work hating that bastard boss of yours and since we cannot seem to wake Jim Fairthorne (rumour has it Christopher Hitchens is sleeping on his couch again and eating all of his burritos) I offer you my not-so-humble thoughts about 10 things.
You know….stuff. In no particular order because that is usually the way life serves them up.
So with that in mind, here are 10 random things….
1) I’m not sure that it is healthy to be as angry as I am all of the time, but the truth is, I really do hate everything and everybody.
You know who pisses me off? Nice old people.
Who hates nice old people?
Me, that’s who.
I hate it when I am on the streetcar trying to read my paper and get to work and they want to talk to me, a fucking stranger.
“So how about this weather?”
“What about it?”
“It’s cold. Cold and grey.”
“No shit. It’s November. You must have seen about 85 of these by now, how is this a shock anyways?”
“Sure is cold and grey.”
“Do you ever come up for air?”
“You know once when I was 13 we had a cold grey November just like this one.”
“I thought the earth was still cooling then.”
“We didn’t have streetcars back then. We had to walk. It was cold. Cold and grey.”
“You didn’t have the wheel back then. Now let me read my paper. I paid almost 2 bucks for it and I want to read it before it isn’t news anymore, just history.”
“Yep. Sure is a cold grey November.”
I fucking hate them.
2) Is it me or do fat white middle class assholes look relieved now that Tiger Woods is all fucked up and hurt?
The only time you will see white people look this relieved is when they are driving through the city and aren’t in the ghetto anymore.
“Margie, kids, you can unlock the doors and roll down the windows now. There aren’t any black people around anymore. We’re safe.”
I think that if some people just got abortions or bought condoms then we should just save ourselves a lot of time and misery and just immediately give them a cheque from Crime Stoppers.
Maybe even a plaque or something. You know, to spruce their place up a bit for their public service for not reproducing.
3) Here’s another gaggle of sickening spud heads that should be dragged behind a slow moving dump truck for several miles. Joggers.
Yup, that’s right Kittens. People who feel the profane barbaric need to jog on a busy city sidewalk need to be repeatedly clubbed with a sack filled with Ukrainian tank parts. Aside from the fact that they look ridiculous and I always try to trip them because of that fact alone, they are also big sweaty missiles dodging through people who are just shuffling along on the way to their soul crushing job. The last thing they or anybody needs is some greasy loser who thinks it is a good idea to run along a busy street so they can look a bit better and stop having to go to spend anymore money at speed dating events
and not just go find a gym or pathway in a park to run around on. You people who do it are menaces to the rest of us and I urge all of my Kittens out there to mercilessly batter every sidewalk jogger you see for the rest of your life.
Oh, and by the way sidewalk joggers, running around a bit might make you feel a bit more fit, but it is not a cure for ugly.
4) It’s fucking creepy if you are over 25 and actually give a fuck about anything related to Entertainment tonight or the E! channel. It’s even worse if you are over 30 and still watch MTV. That doesn’t make you hip or edgy because you know what is happening on The Hills, it makes you a sexual predator.
5) Attention to all of you people who have car alarms. They DO NOT WORK. If somebody is trying to jack your car, they know how to get around your car alarm. They are skilled and determined criminals who will get your car if they want it. The only thing your car alarm does is piss the rest of us off when it goes off, and it is ALWAYS going off.
Let me ask you people. Has anyone ever come to the rescue of your car because the alarm is going of? No they haven’t and never ever would. Most people won’t even leave the house to save their own car because they don’t want to get shanked. If you insist on having a car alarm, and the government continues to allow you to have one then you should
be forced to guard your car personally armed only with an affectionate puppy. That should send a clear message to the bad guys who want to steal your precious Range Rover.
6) I’m not calling it Christmas anymore. I’m calling it Crimbo.
I’m an atheist so the idea of celebrating the birthday of some religious cartoon character is never very appealing.
For those of you who don’t know what atheism is, it is a non-prophet organization that doesn’t actually organize anything anywhere or do anything.
We don’t have to wear funny hats, read any manuals or go to a building once a week to compare clothing and give some man with an even funnier hat any of our money. We also never fly any planes into buildings and don’t have any holidays of our own, quite unlike religious people do.
Aside from our lack of holidays the other downside to being an atheist is that other atheists think that they speak for you and we are all in a club.
Other atheists piss me off because they are usually guilty of the same kind of fundamentalism that many religions are.
It is because of this that even if we did have a holiday wouldn’t participate anyways, so with that in mind I think I’ll just call it Crimbo and just use it as a day for a little peace on earth.
Have you heard of this yet?
It’s a movement for people to link up and give away their stuff to others who need it.
Not a bad idea I suppose.
I do have some useless trash lying around that I would like to get rid of permanently and I prefer it go to somebody who wants it rather then end up in a landfill. I would gleefully post and give away my incredibly uncomfortable pull out bed, except I don’t exactly want anybody coming over to pick it up.
Almost certainly some large Russian would show up to collect it where it would end up on the floor of a massage parlour with a girl named Svetlana would be forced to turn tricks on it to eventually earn her passport back from her captors. Then eventually she and her dead oh so dead soul would be freed when she is too worn out and diseased to
pleasure business men and drifters on welfare day she would be freed to live a life scrubbing toilets at a biker bar and all she would remember about the life she used to have was my bed. Well, that and the thousand of men she pleasured orally while she was crying inside and out while they laughed at her tears.
Frankly, I just couldn’t live with the guilt.
8) I love war. Ancient hatreds and modern weapons. I figure we may as well get used to war being a part of our daily life because somewhere in the world there will always be war.
However, just like the people and the countries who fight them, not all wars are created equal.
Since we are usually busy fighting in the big ones we can’t always be prepared for the smaller fights that deserve a response. Even today in the news some more Somalian pirates armed with a few rickety machine gunsthat they traded for some goats and an old fishing boat hijacked a super tanker loaded with oil.
Our countries can’t seem to manage sending over some of their warships and convince the pirates in the S.S. Minnow to please stop hijacking things, I suggest we deploy THE NUGE.
Ted Nugent would jump at the chance to go and fight the pirates and looks more like a pirate than the Somalian ones do. Not only that, I bet if we asked him nicely he would do it for free and use his own money to pay for it.
If we gave Ted Nugent a rock n roll powered hovercraft, some crates of beef jerky and all the ammo he could carry The Nuge would solve any minor league military conflict in record breaking time.
9) If you have a yoga mat and self help book in your ruck sack, I really hope you are murdered by a lawless pack of hobos en route to a boxcar and they use both of those things to beat you to death, then steal your belongings including you house keys so they can kill and dine on whoever is there at home passively tolerating you.
If you need a book to tell you how to be less of a jackass, and call it self help, it isn’t self help. It’s called help. People who help themselves don’t need books, they just help themselves. If you don’t understand this complex matrix of human psychology, here’s a metaphor. Help is when you fall off of a boat and some asshole throws you a rope. Self help is when you bring your own.
If you have tried to kill yourself and failed, you should get the death penalty. Simple and easy to understand and with no last meal. No pills either or any sissy way out. If you have decided to burden your loved ones with the guilt of your loss out of the most severe act of selfishness, then the punishment should fit the crime. Death penalty by being smothered to death by the fat bare asshole of a Mexican biker after a bottle of tequila and double platter of fish tacos.
10) Kittens, you will be happy to know that I have saved the best whores for last. These are the group of pox riddled retarded dingos that in one way or another make life a little more expensive, unbearable and generally annoying for everybody in one way or another.
We all know these annoying sausage casing filled with fish lips and credit cards. These are upper middle class white people enjoying laugh, a latte’ and white people joy.
These are the people who have raised our property values, erected condos on every possible lot, made sure acting like a grown up in a bar while smoking disappeared because it bothered them while they enjoyed a nice glass of Baileys and help shape policies because that is what white people with more money than common sense do.
There isn’t anything these people won’t fuck up, destroy, use, co-opt, change, maim, ruin or gentrify. Rich white people will take a perfectly diverse interesting neighborhood and like Swedish vampiric locusts within ten years turn it into a gigantic outdoor Ikea like experience that nobody can afford anymore except them. That cool little bar were you used to go has become a wine bar, that nice little place to eat now charges $50 for an appetizer (not that you can get a seat anymore and the old owner has now fucked of to Cuba to open a canteena) and that great little theatre you used to never go into but liked that it was there now has a stage production of “Punky Brewster, The Musical.”
It’s just lovely that these people move to our cities from whatever suburban womb they squished themselves out of, but the people that have actually put in the time in large cities are slowly being over run by people who think that turning a once lovely cafe into a Starbucks and shopping at an over priced organic food store suddenly transforms them into cultural movers and shakers need to be shaken to death like a baby that won’t stop crying. It’s bad enough that these white well off people turn once lovely cities into gigantic outdoor malls with lap dog festivals and make life for those of us that had the balls to move to the city when we were broke and often had to choose between food and rent, but it’s even worse when they think they have opinions and get to tell us how it is for everybody, and that
includes poor people.
These people have to be made to understand that although they are entitled to to an opinion and make some rules for themselves, that only a few people in a city live like them, like the things they like and want what they want. If they want to live in an over priced condo named “Zsa Zsa” and prat their lives away filling it with as much shit that you can have hauled in from Pottery Barn then that is their right. Even diseased rats have a place in the urban eco-system.
When they presume that the rest of us have the means or interest in the lifestyle they choose to inflict on the city they just moved to then they need to be dragged screaming out of their secure lifestyle experience and thrown into the middle of a pack of poor people who had to move because some asshole bought their apartment and told them to
get the fuck out.
As a gentle reminder that these (or anyone) should have to earn a five year chip before you can call yourself a resident of a city and not a tourist who has a local postal code these folks should be strapped to a sturdy tree their genitals used as a bulls eye for a long horned ram lit up on crank and steroids.
Well there you have it my Kittens.