Here it is folks, another fantastic guest post from our buddy Julian at Comedy Landfill. Listen to this wise man, my loyal readers, for he has something very important to tell you.
How You Should Tip From Now On
Tipping is an odd phenomenon, and I apologize to people reading this who live in Australia (where tipping is not done), but the goal of this article is to create a standardized method for tipping. Why does tipping need to be standardized? Because nobody actually knows how to do it correctly, and most people just do it as an afterthought without any actual regard for what a tip means or the negative effects it can have on everybody else’s service.
Isn’t it a bit of a piss-off to see someone tip for something terrible? I’ve been with people that could have been served afterbirth by Dick Cheney, and they would still feel guilty about not leaving a tip. These people are stupid, and they are badly, badly missing the point of a tip. A tip is not a meal tax. A tip is not mandatory charity for the poor waiting staff of the world.
Here is the point of a tip:
IT MAKES PEOPLE WORK HARDER.
That is the point of a tip. The reason we tip is this: if the server kisses your ass sufficiently, brings your food out in a timely manner, and the food doesn’t taste like it was shat out of a mystery creature, they get a little reward for their good job.
Here is graph of what your tips actually mean:
Seriously, people tipping 30+%? Stop. Please stop. You are making the rest of us look bad, and making yourself look overbearingly kind in that “Yeah, money doesn’t really mean all that much to me, so I’m going to give you this pile of money to make myself look like an awesome dude” way.
That guy probably also has his collar popped.
What needs to be done is create a system that standardizes how tips are given, to prevent the egregious mistakes being made by so many people. Here is the system:
That’s right. The limit is 21%, and only in very rare circumstances should you ever break that upper limit, like if the waiter successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver on you, or if he miraculously delivered your baby inside the restaurant using salad tongs and a spatula.
You should actually print out a bunch of these and carry them around with you, so you can leave them at the end of your service like a report card. It’s a win-win thing; if they suck, and their tip is small, you can let them know why! If they get a high score, they will be happy when you come back! Hooray! Yes, this is the best invention ever. You can either keep it private, or let the restaurant know in what way they are fucking up.
There has been a bit of confusion lately: in what situations is one expected to tip? I was surprised recently when I went to my local corner store and discovered a tip function on their debit card machine that pops up when you purchase an item. I actually informed them they had set up their machine wrong, and there was a step that asked the customer for a tip. The guy said “Oh, okay.” AND IT’S STILL THERE. It still asks you for a tip when you try to buy a Snickers bar.
Under NO circumstances should you ever tip at a corner store. No circumstances. I’m sure there is some sort of namby-pamby justification for tipping that guy, but if you don’t have to give a tip, don’t fucking give the person a tip. It’s a slippery slope, and eventually we’ll get to a point where homeless people will be expecting a tip on the change you just gave them.
Grocery stores? No tip. Fast food restaurants or over-the-counter food restaurants? No tip. Clothing, coffee, computer repair, dog walking? NO TIP. Paying for sex? Kill yourself. Tip the funeral home in advance.
Here are things you should tip on:
Sit-down restaurants. Alcohol at bars. Car repair. Food delivery. Taxis. Service at hotels. Hairdressers. AND THAT’S FUCKIN’ IT. Even some of these piss me off.
Now, some of you may be thinking “The tip calculator doesn’t work for some of those things.” But… IT DOES. Think about it. That’s right, just remove the 7% you would tip for the food and rate the rest. Bam.
You may consider this blog coldhearted and miserly. I disagree. There are some countries on this planet where tipping isn’t even expected, and things are just hunky dory there. What I’m trying to do is save you a bit of cash and allow you to be decisive and sensible when it comes to giving a tip. I’m sure that at some point you’ve said to yourself “Why in God’s name did I give that idiot extra money?” The goal here was to show you that no, you do not have to give
in to tipping expectations and conventions. Take my hand and head down the path of freedom. You are now free to tip based solely on your expectations.