Being an Asshole: A Cost/Benefit Analysis

2 Oct
How much of an asshole should you be?
I am of the opinion that being an asshole is not only NOT a bad thing, it is, in fact, a trait that we as people desire to see in people, especially men. Guys who are a bit of an asshole seem to be more successful with women, more respected by other men and genuinely feared by children. For example, who are the big screen heroes that everyone admired? Han Solo? Asshole. Chef Gordon Ramsay? Rude douche. Every single Clint Eastwood character ever? Mean jerk. David Letterman? Cranky old man. These guys are still cool though. David Letterman, in fact, is so cool, that he can have sex with co-workers, get blackmailed about it, then ADMIT TO IT ON TV to screw the guy who is trying to get money out of him. That’s pretty badass.
But there is a very distinct threshold between being having an acceptable amount of dickishness and being a straight-up douchebag. For example, Kanye West just recently crossed that line. Up until very recently, his rampant assholishness was seen as a cute, and even endearing trait. Going up on stage unannounced and saying that someone is undeserving of an award is actually not a new occurance for Kanye, who had actually done that before. However, Mr. West’s most recent outburst made even the people who enjoyed his inane BS think to themselves “Well, maybe he’s just a stupid prick.” And that’s a pretty big deal, because there are people who can tolerate a lot of douchebaggery before making that mental leap.
In fact, Barack Obama got some props from not one, but two Huffington Post bloggers for calling Kanye West a “Jackass”. Now, that’s not very nice, but that’s sort of the point isn’t it? One Huffer said that Obama calling Kanye a jackass was “A side of Barack that the public desperately needs to see.” Which is probably one of the most clever, roundabout ways of fellating the president that I’ve seen to date, and I have witnessed some pretty incredible Obama slurpjobs. It seems that (at least some) people want to see Barack shed his straight-edge appearance, and get a bit nastier.
Being a politician and being an asshole go together like Russell Crowe and hurting people, so maybe that’s why we have a deep distrust for politicians who lack any sort of asshole-osity whatsoever. For example, Canada recently had an election in which Prime Minister Stephen Harper managed to pick up even more seats in government due to his opponent, Stephane Dion, being a giant, quivering bowl of gelatin. He seemed like the type of guy who wasn’t just picked on in elementary school, but that he was STILL being picked on, by kids in elementary school. Now there may be a large segment of the population who do not like Stephen Harper, because he is a bit of a dick all things considered, but when those same people looked at Stephane Dion, they instantly knew that he was simply too much of a wuss to lead a country. I personally came up with a number of embarassing situations in my mind, like the other G8 leaders stealing his lunch money, or them secretly planning a G7 meeting afterwards with no Stephanes allowed.
Now it seems that the Liberal party has learned it’s lesson, and has nominated a tried and true prick to represent them; Michael Ignatieff. It remains to be seen if they’ve gone to far, and picked someone who might occupy the dreaded “Kanye zone”.

Alex is on assignment today, so we’ve got Julian filling in.  Enjoy.

————————————————————————————————

How much of an asshole should you be?

I am of the opinion that being an asshole is not only NOT a bad thing, it is, in fact, a trait that we desire to see in people, especially men. Guys who are a bit of an asshole seem to be more successful with women, more respected by other men and genuinely feared by children. For example, who are the famous celebrities that everyone admires? Han Solo? Asshole. Chef Gordon Ramsay? Rude douche. Every single Clint Eastwood character ever? Mean jerks. David Letterman? Cranky old man. These guys are still cool though. David Letterman, in fact, is so cool, that he can have sex with co-workers, get blackmailed about it, then ADMIT TO IT ON TV to screw the guy who is trying to get money out of him. That’s pretty badass.

Letterman

But there is a very distinct threshold between having an acceptable amount of dickishness and being a straight-up douchebag. For example, Kanye West just recently crossed that line. Up until very recently, his rampant assholishness was seen as a cute, and even endearing trait. Going up on stage unannounced and saying that someone is undeserving of an award is actually not a new occurance for Kanye, who had actually done that before. However, Mr. West’s most recent outburst made even the people who enjoyed his inane BS think to themselves “Well, maybe he’s just a stupid prick.” And that’s a pretty big deal, because there are people who can tolerate a lot of douchebaggery before making that mental leap.

Asshole1

In fact, Barack Obama got some props from not one, but two Huffington Post bloggers for calling Kanye West a “Jackass”. Now, that’s not very nice, but that’s sort of the point isn’t it? One Huffer said that Obama calling Kanye a jackass was “A side of Barack that the public desperately needs to see.” Which is probably one of the most clever, roundabout ways of fellating the president that I’ve seen to date, and I have witnessed some pretty incredible Obama slurpjobs. It seems that (at least some) people want to see Barack shed his straight-edge appearance, and get a bit nastier.

Being a politician and being an asshole go together like Russell Crowe and hurting people, so maybe that’s why we have a deep distrust for politicians who lack any sort of asshole-osity whatsoever. For example, Canada recently had an election in which Prime Minister Stephen Harper managed to pick up even more seats in government due to his opponent, Stephane Dion, being a giant, quivering bowl of gelatin. He seemed like the type of guy who wasn’t just picked on in elementary school, but that he was STILL being picked on, by kids in elementary school. Now there may be a large segment of the population who do not like Stephen Harper, because he is a bit of a dick all things considered, but when those same people looked at Stephane Dion, they instantly knew that he was simply too much of a wuss to lead a country. I personally came up with a number of embarassing situations in my mind, like the other G8 leaders stealing his lunch money, or them secretly planning a G7 meeting afterwards with no Stephanes allowed.

Dion

Now it seems that the Liberal party has learned it’s lesson, and has nominated a tried and true prick to represent them; Michael Ignatieff. It remains to be seen if they’ve gone to far, and picked someone who might occupy the dreaded “Kanye zone”.

Being an asshole is actually one of the biggest sexist double standards there is, really. The female equivilant of being an asshole is being a bitch, and being a bitch is really just not a place you ever want to be. People, for whatever reason, want women to be happy, well adjusted people who don’t go out of their way to make other people feel miserable, and that to me is a crying shame. Hillary Clinton recently tested that hypothesis when she went toe to toe with Barack Obama in the Democratic Primaries. She is the female equivilant of a jerk, and while that might be a good career move for many guys, it really did not work very well for her, and she was derided as being a meanhearted she-devil. Rosie O’Donnell? People do not like this woman. The only woman has made being a bitch work for her on the political stage was Margaret Thatcher. Simply mentioning her name in certain areas of Britain will get you trollied up by a bunch of tossers, yet she was re-elected in a number of landslide victories throughout the 70s and 80s, and helped the Conservative party stay in power for 20 straight years.

I am, right now, calling for everyone to accept women being assholes in the same manner as they accept men being assholes. Why not? Ladiest, treat the world like scum. Trust me, it’s worth it. Don’t tip for bad service. Slap people in the face just for the fuck of it. Honk at bad drivers! Laugh too loudly, swear to your heart’s content! Ladies, you are at the gateway to asshole-dom! Cross through, and the world shall forever be your oyster.
Rosie

9 Responses to “Being an Asshole: A Cost/Benefit Analysis”

  1. writerdood October 2, 2009 at 2:14 PM #

    I’m just not sure how to hit that sweet spot, but after reading this, I’m truly motivated to be more of an asshole. Would selling all my kids video games and using the money to buy booze be a good start? Maybe that’s over the top? Maybe I should just key someone’s door in the parking garage first.

  2. Ryan October 2, 2009 at 2:56 PM #

    I can see this launching into a full on “How to be an asshole” web series. (And who better to give advice on this than the folks at SOA? :P)

    How to be an enviro-asshole: Be the guy who drives this… (Or just drive a Hummer.)

  3. comedylandfill October 2, 2009 at 3:12 PM #

    Writerdood, I highly recommend buying alcohol with the money that you earn. I find that alcohol helps to fuel your inner asshole. About the keying, I think that might lie outside the sweet spot.

    I think that a good mantra would be WWKD. What would Kanye do? He would probably key a car, so you probably shouldn’t do that.

  4. Shayla October 2, 2009 at 4:27 PM #

    Fuck you and your bullshit post, asshole.

    (no, actually I totally agree)

  5. skyler hype October 2, 2009 at 4:29 PM #

    In the Margret thatcher video is the whole gap thing that she measures out with her hand a dig at her colleagues memeber?

  6. sussannah October 3, 2009 at 12:44 PM #

    Speaking of Ignatieff, have you seen this attack ad against him that popped up the other week?

  7. Jim Fairthorne October 4, 2009 at 3:54 AM #

    sussannah, do you have a link?

  8. Mo November 14, 2010 at 1:07 AM #

    I think there are levels of assholes such as men that are the permanent assholes that are always the ones that are always mean to people, abusive always rude, don’t have good manners and just constant pricks. Those are the assholes that eventually ends up being alone a lot because after awhile his friends, girlfriends etc get sick and tired of his assholeness, start to ditch him, make excuses to not go hang with him.

    Then there are the guys that can be assholes without being mean, rude and knows how to not be a prick. Such as assholes probably should be called mischievous assholes that like to pull pranks such as for instance I consider myself this type lol where examples (as a kid trying to get a stick stuck in a bicycle spoke while moving and watching friend fly off bicycle by succeeding getting stick stuck in wheel spoke while moving), (throwing the M40 firecrackers that couldn’t be put out with water into friends toilet and blowing up friends toilet lol), laugh at people that trip, I guess maybe it’s called the mischievous asshole lol :).

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Facebook: The cause of and solution to all of life’s doldrums « State of Affairs - November 6, 2009

    […] 2009 by Jim Fairthorne Hey guys, this is a guest blog from my buddy Julian, who has wrote a few other articles for this blog before. Hope you […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: