Your Tax Dollars At Work, America

1 Oct

Ah, a brand new month and a brand new group of assholes in the headlines, living it up at the expense of taxpayer coin.

asshole

I thought long and hard about writing this piece, since I’ve already done a recent post on a similar group of assholes who thought they’d have a grand old time on the company dollar, but this was just too good to pass up.

Seriously, this couldn’t be more perfect. In the span of two weeks, I write articles on nerds-in-training, the “dangerous” properties of pornography, and rampant abuse of government money, and in one fell swoop, a branch of the United States government hits all three nails directly on the head.

nail on the head

According to an investigative report conducted by the Washington Times, the US National Science Foundation has been discovered to employ some of the nation’s most rampant pornography addicts.

Let me repeat that: the NSF are a bunch of degenerate perverts.

perverts

Now, I’m not saying that looking at porn makes you degenerate or a pervert – to say such a thing would be the height of hypocrisy – but let’s look at the situation.

In 2008, the federal government gave the NSF six billion dollars (say it with me, six billion dollars) as an operating budget for the year. Apparently, all those pencil-necked sciency types decided to take that money, invest in a ton of high-end computers, and proceed to quite literally dick off for the year. Somewhere along the line, somebody took notice of a significant drop in productivity and started doing a little digging.

ReporterHow’s this for a factoid: of ten misconduct cases investigated internally, no fewer than seven of them dealt with employees spending more time on disgustingslutsdoingunspeakablethings.com than on their actual, government-funded work.

guy looking at pornAnd these aren’t peons we’re talking about here either – this isn’t a bunch of receptionists and HR staffers and other low-levels typically referred to in memos as “company overhead” wasting time and money. One so-called senior executive clocked in at an astounding three hundred thirty-one days of straight wanking – an estimated cost to taxpayers ranging between $13,800 and $58,000.

moneyIt gets better, but let’s deal with that first. I don’t know about you, but I don’t make anywhere near fifty eight thousand dollars a year. If you do, shame on you for wasting company time reading this stupid blog. But if you don’t, and if you happen to be an American citizen, you should be absolutely outraged that your money is being used to fund this sort of corporate cluster-fuck. It’s the same thing I said about the Wii cops: have you ever, in your life, worked a job that would allow you to maintain the illusion of productivity when all you’re actually doing is jerking it to silicone tits and bad acting? Not in this lifetime I’ll wager.

lazy at workThen take into consideration that a “senior executive” doesn’t work anywhere close to three hundred and thirty one days out of the year. Let’s break it down. If you were to work Monday to Friday every week for the entire year, you’d be looking at 261 days. Now take away the requisite two weeks’ vacation (doubtless a “senior executive” would get more, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt) and you’re down to 251. Cut out the major holidays and you’re looking at something like 241. That’s about forty-eight work weeks.

calendar
This guy spent a grand total of
sixty-six weeks looking at videos of some hackneyed porn star inhaling cock through every conceivable orifice.

First of all, doesn’t that get – you know – boring? I mean, everything that can realistically be done with the human body has already been done; how exciting can it be to watch yet another blow job clip? (I’m aware he could be watching some really bizarre fetish stuff or something, but frankly I don’t want to think about it.)

fetish hamsterSecond of all, if we’re going by the forty-eight work week year (which I’m still not convinced is entirely accurate given most execs I know get significantly more holidays than that), that means this guy spent one and three-quarter years of his so-called work time watching porn. I’m telling you, it’s enough to light my fucking hair on fire with fury. I’ve only been working for State of Affairs since June and writing all this shit for you people has already taken years off my life. I’ve probably done more work in three months than this guy has done since ’07. And he’s making an exponentially bigger wage. Fuck him in the ear with a rusty Garden Claw; I hope they nail him to a tree.

crucifixionBut it gets better. This “senior executive” (we’re going to call him Bob, because they’re all called Bob) actually tried to defend his actions (or inactions, depending on your perception). This is where it gets really rich, my friends. Get ready to take some blood thinners, because your blood pressure is about to rocket through the ceiling.

So they finally caught Bob, presumably red-handed (or at least gooey-handed) in the act of enjoying the latest fornication fodder the internet has to offer, and he was predictably embarrassed. When they brought him in front of the Great Corporate Inquisition, however, he laid out a laundry list of excuses for his behaviour, the best of which was this:

It was for charity.

Stay with me here.

philanthropySee, according to Bob, the girls populating his favourite wank-site were natives of Third World nations who, due to their unfortunate geographic locale, were somewhat disadvantaged compared to many of us in the West (like, say, high-paid “senior executives”). In order to support their families, they’ve turned to fucking on camera as a fast way to get easy money. Thus, Bob is a humanitarian: supporting the cause of single Eastern Bloc mothers by paying them to have sex for his personal enjoyment.

What. The. Fuck.

I have to admit I admire the balls on Bob for even trying to use such a paper-thin placation as an excuse. You’re paying for a porn site (which is itself a stupid idea, since there’s no shortage of free titty online) and visiting it daily on your government-funded computer at your government-funded job, and your best excuse is that you’re providing a living to poor women living in former Soviet republics? Seriously folks, I couldn’t make this shit up.

european stripperApparently the internal investigation has been taking up so many man-hours, they’ve had to scale back funding for their actual purpose. Here’s the very best part: anybody outside the US know what the NSF’s primary mission is? You’re going to love this: identifying grant fraud and recovering misspent tax dollars.

I love the smell of irony in the morning, don’t you?

robert duvall apocalypse now

6 Responses to “Your Tax Dollars At Work, America”

  1. Jim Fairthorne October 1, 2009 at 3:01 PM #

    jealous much?

  2. vee October 1, 2009 at 3:04 PM #

    thank god im a girl …

  3. Sara October 1, 2009 at 4:29 PM #

    absolutely unbelievable!!
    makes me feel a little less guilty for reading perez hilton during work hours though :)

  4. Shayla October 1, 2009 at 8:29 PM #

    Wow. Now when my boss eventually and inevitably catches me slacking off at work, I can point to the NSF and say, “Hey, at least I wasn’t looking at porn.”

  5. guidoamm October 2, 2009 at 7:30 AM #

    Thank you. I thoroughly enjoyed that. That’s some good writing you’re doing there.
    g

  6. skyler hype October 2, 2009 at 4:19 PM #

    hahahaha. Poor Bob. All he wanted to do was love himself a little. Now he can do it for free.

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