Seriously, what is wrong with you people? I was going over my blog statistics this morning, because as I’ve said before I base my personal standards of accomplishment on the stock-market-like rising and falling of my viewership (I notice you all had better things to do this weekend, by the way).
One of the nifty statistics WordPress provides me is a list of terms you readers type into Google that lead you to my site. A lot of these terms are directly related to the images I so graciously provide in each and every post (you know, so some of my less-informed readers can skip my shining prose and just look at the pretty pictures), so some of the search terms make sense.
The biggest one is “gorilla”, because a few months back I posted a picture of that ape Jim had to go retrieve from Marrakesh for the Fixer. And since some of you have been asking me, I haven’t seen hide nor hair of that great beast in the better part of a month. I don’t know what the Fixer has done with George (we called him George after the late, great comedian of the same given name), but I’ll be honest – I fear the worst.
(This is George. He may very well be dead now.)
Some of them are directly related to the content of the article: people regularly search for pictures of Silvio Berlusconi, Freddy Krueger and even, periodically, me (and I’d like to extend a personal thank you to whatever wonderful person searched under the term “alex james chiseled”. You’re a gem of a human, whoever you are)
But the ones that really started to make me question the mental stability of my dear readers were somewhat…left of center. Over the last several months, my readers have found this blog using a variety of unconventional search terms. Among my favourites:
Pervert Man on the Couch
My desk is a couch, so I find this funny. However – what would prompt you to search for something like that? Have I ever written about perverts – yes. Have I ever written about perverts specifically sitting on couches? I really don’t think so.
White Girls Love Sex
Once again, I’ve written extensively on the subject of sex, but I think it’s a little bit presumptuous of me to suggest that only Caucasian women enjoy sexual activity, so I didn’t suggest it. Why this term is bringing you to me, I don’t know.
1 Man Dear Costume
Okay, I think what this person was seeking was a deer costume capable of being worn by a single person. What baffles me is that the spelling error brought them not to some kind of costume distributor, but instead to State of Affairs, where I have never discussed wildlife. Ever.
The Naked People of Africa
I’m sorry; you’re looking for National Geographic. There are no naked people here, African or otherwise. Next.
Hitler Yes We Can
Great, now the CIA thinks I’m comparing Obama to Hitler. Because I really wanted to be on that list. Thanks a lot, assholes.
What is it with you people and perverts? And why do you keep coming to me in search of them? Do I look like the kind of guy who knows a lot of perverts?
All right, point taken. Moving on.
Much as I’m aware there are male nurses out there, I never knew there was something specific about their testicles that would warrant a demarcation like “nurse testicles”. And I would never, ever want to see them.
How To Dress Like A Nerd
Something tells me if your first instinct was to Google this issue, you probably don’t have a lot of trouble with it to begin with. Next.
Demons Fucking On The Moon
…Okay. Individually, these terms make sense. Search: demons. Sure, it’ll take you to bad Livejournal poetry. Search: fucking. See you in a few months. Search: on the Moon. Conspiracy theories, photos of Neil Armstrong and probably a bunch of songs about moonlight. But altogether?
Demons fucking on the moon. I don’t know what’s sadder: that someone had it in their heads to search for something like that, or that searching for it brought them to me.
You know what? I could go on about this, but I think I’m going to go have a drink and dream of one day being a real writer. There’ll be something better tomorrow.