People of the world, take heed: the revolution has begun.
I’m not talking about overthrowing governments or taking up arms against a sea of troubles, nor am I referring to holy war or burning down your local McDonalds in an act of anarchistic solidarity (yeah, figure that one out).
No, my friends, it’s much worse than that.
The day we have feared, since our ancestors in the Fertile Crescent ten thousand years ago first conjured the brilliant plan to domesticate the beasts of the land for their own purposes, has finally come.
The cows are rising.
The prophet Gary Larsen tried to warn us, but we dismissed his revelations as though he were a modern-day Cassandra. We laughed at his comics but we paid them no serious attention. That will be our undoing.
It’s starting small, of course – in the last two months there have only been four cases of people being trampled by Bovine Assault Teams, and even then only in Britain, but thankfully the ever-alert sentries of the National Farmer’s Union are already on the case, issuing country-wide warnings about the milk-spouting threat.
According to the union, the shifty livestock become aggressive and tend to charge human passers-by when they’re accompanied by dogs. Robert Sheasby, Rural Surveyor, was quoted as saying “the cattle are interested in the dog, not the walker.” Clearly, Robert has been bought off by the insidious black-and-white threat. He’s trying to lull us into a false sense of security, brothers and sisters, by confusing the fundamental issue at hand.
Cows have no reason to hate dogs. In fact, I imagine they share a camaraderie the likes of which you’d find in POW camps (think Hogan’s Heroes meets Animal Farm). Like their larger grain-fed brethren, dogs have historically been persecuted and pressed into servitude by the human race. Do you genuinely think they like playing fetch with you all afternoon? Don’t you think they realize bringing you the stick yet again is an exercise in futility, because as soon as it’s back in the grasp of your damnable opposable thumbs, you’re just going to haul off and hurl it away for the umpty-dozenth time? And those slippers – Jesus Jumped-Up Christ on a pogo stick, have you smelled those slippers? They aren’t bringing you those disgusting things to be nice or because you trained them to do it – they want your nasty foot-stench the fuck away from their bed.
Old Robert would have us believe the cows attack because they’re protecting their calves from the dog you’re walking – apparently, “as the cattle try to get the dog, there’s a high chance they’ll get the walker too.” Yeah, there is a high chance of that, isn’t there? How convenient. I’d like to point out the fact this article is about cows murdering humans, not dogs – you’ll note there’s no mention of how many dogs have perished in these unprovoked assaults. I bet they’re in it together. The dog’s just a patsy – an excuse for Mama Cow to come in and smash ass with impunity. When she’s done fucking up your shit, she’ll casually go back to her cud-chewing or whatever it is cows do all day (apart from planning the overthrow of our race) and guess what? Rover walks without a scratch, never to fetch a stick or a ratty pair of slippers again.
The article goes on to say that most of the victims have been elderly folk, which makes sense – slow-moving, often crippled in some way or another, and easily eliminated. I reckon it’s a training exercise for aspiring revolutionaries, who have yet to be battle-hardened (or cattle-hardened if you prefer). Clearly, I’m not far off the mark, because no sooner did the first wave of attacks reach successful completion, their next target was none other than former Home Secretary David Blunkett. Blunkett survived the botched assault, suffering heavy bruising and a broken rib, but I think the direction of these bovine terrorist attacks is clear. First the elderly, and then government officials. Forget kevlar: Gordon Brown should start wearing NFL-style body padding and for the love of god, stay away from dogs.
I suppose it was a matter of time. For centuries humanity has lorded over the beasts of the field – stealing their milk, turning their calves into French delicacies and cutting down those in their prime to keep The Keg in business. We malign their good nature by referring to the dozy and flaky of our race as “bovine” and we compare grossly obese Americans unfairly to them. And then there was the Atkins diet. It’s little wonder they should finally shake off the yoke of their oppressors and fight back. This will not stand.
It’s a serious issue, my friends. First there was mad cow disease, and now this? These cows need to learn their place. I don’t know about you, but I’m having a hamburger for dinner. Possibly every day from now on, just to do my part for my race.
And until such time as we put down this arrogant uprising, I propose we institute an early-warning system to protect ourselves from this heinous threat. The tools are already in existence, but in my estimation the program needs to be expanded significantly in order to ensure the continued safety of the human race. I think of our children, my friends, when I tell you there’s only one solution to the Bovine Problem: