What are you doing here? Seriously, it’s a beautiful day in Toronto — the sun is shining, the birds are singing, there’s a nice cool breeze but not so cool as to make you forget it’s still summer — what the hell are you doing online, coming to this website of all places? Don’t you have a patio or something you can go chill on? Jesus, I love you readers, but some of you need to get a life.
Well, yes, I suppose you could argue that I, too, am sitting inside on this lovely August afternoon, putzing around the internet looking for interesting things to write about so I can pass the brilliance onto you, my dear and valued readers. Yes, I guess I’m a bit of a hypocrite for giving you all a hard time about your antisocial practices when I’m just as bad, if not worse. But guess what? I’m the guy with the blog, which means people care what I have to say, so if I want to be a hypocrite and make fun of you for your lack of sun exposure and your unhealthy cyber-addiction, that’s just what I’m going to do.
All right, fine. You win. If anybody’s got issues with sun exposure it’s me. I look like some kind of mole person. And as far as cyber-addiction goes…well, it takes one to know one.
You know what? Screw you guys then. Here I thought I was being nice, posting something when I said I wasn’t going to, just so you’d have the Alex James equivalent of a methadone hit to get you through to the big score on Tuesday, and all you’re doing is making fun of my pale complexion and my lack of a social life. So fine. Fuck you. You’re not getting anything out of me. Get lost.
No, I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry; come back. I promise it’ll never happen again, and I’ll buy you something shiny to distract you from my abusive habits in the interim. Actually I can’t afford to buy you anything this week, so instead I’ll give you the gift of Link Whoring: this way you’ll have places to visit when I’m being a grumpy bitch.
Leaving aside Facebook and porn, there are a few websites I really enjoy visiting when I’m taking a break from being a genius. Some of this stuff might be to your taste, some might not, but they’re all great time wasters, so I’m sure you’ll find use for them.
Texts From Last Night has to be one of the funniest “send in random shit” sites I’ve ever come across. Fun game: try to contextualize some of the more surreal posts. I’m currently writing a short story based on the user who sent in “i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital”. Stupid people are the highlight of my entire existence.
I’m not much of a video game person, but I am definitely a fan of blatant cynicism mixed with awesome Windows Movie Maker videos, which is why I one day want to meet and drink with Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw, the famous game critic behind The Escapist’s brilliant Zero Punctuation video series. Even if you’ve never played a video game in your life, this guy is a blast to watch. His analogies are beyond belief: his description of Japanese role-playing video games (for the uninitiated, stuff like Final Fantasy) had me in stitches —
“[A] howling wasteland of dodgy English dubs and outfits that were created by crashing a riding lawnmower through the wall of a theatrical costume supplier…and every single one of them is about androgynous teenagers killing Satan.”
Fantastic. If you’re reading this Ben, me and the guys at Two Assholes want to interview you. We’ll send you beer by express international mail if we have to.
On that note, I’d be remiss as a friend and a closeted nerd if I didn’t once again link you to the excellent podcast Two Assholes Talking About Nerd Stuff. If you’re new to this blog, here’s the rundown: two good friends of mine, Adam Grant and Brent Chittenden, present a bi-weekly-to-monthly podcast covering everything from movies and music to comics and video games. I’ve been known to make an appearance every so often, but even when I’m not “guest-holing” the cast is informative, crassly funny and will link you to all sorts of interesting material and news about what’s happening in nerd culture. If you’re allowed to wear headphones at work, it’s a great way to pass the time — but be prepared for your coworkers to give you funny looks because you’ll be laughing to yourself the whole way through. Adam just informed me that Episode 11 is now up and available for download, so go. Now.
Cynicism and nerdy topics tend to make regular appearances here at State of Affairs, given both Jim and I are big fans of sarcasm and wit as well as Superman and bad movies. If you are like us, and you have a high tolerance for what might constitute offensive humour, you need to go check out Something Positive, a long-running webcomic written by fellow misanthrope Randy K. Milholland. In 2001 the comic debuted with an abortion joke, and it went downhill from there. Great storyline, great cast (many of whom are based on real people), really good art, and if you don’t like Randy’s stuff, he links to a ton of other really excellent webcomics on the site’s main page. You’ll thank me for this later.
And if you’ve hated everything I’ve given you so far, I don’t understand why you’re reading this blog because we clearly have nothing in common. However, in the interest of maintaining my fan base by any means necessary, here’s a link to Bored At Work, itself a link page to stuff that will entertain you as you trudge dutifully through the mindless minutiae of your nine-to-five soul-crushing cubicle job.
There are lots more to give you, but like I said before — you’ve got better things to do than dick around on the internet all day, so that’s all you’re getting.
But please, please come back tomorrow. I promise I’ll do a post worth your time (or at least worth your wasting time at work). I’m not kidding. I base my self-worth on my blog stats. Please come back. I’ll make you a sandwich, and this time I won’t put too much mayonnaise on it, I promise. You won’t have to tell me twice.