Ah, conservatives. No matter where you go, there they are. You’ve got to admire the conviction of the political right: resolutely hanging on to outdated (and arbitrary) moral codes, single-mindedly pulling on their existential blinders every morning to plow through the world with the dull, plodding-yet-inexorable pace of an AT-AT walker advancing on a Rebel base on Hoth. If only they didn’t wield so much power in the political arena, they’d be far more entertaining than threatening.
These are the people who cling desperately to the tenets of Christianity like rats digging their claws into floating furniture from the Titanic. Anybody who’s read the Bible knows it’s one of the most fundamentally contradictory pieces of literature (and yeah, it’s literature) in human history, so I guess it’s apropos that so-called Christians (I make the distinction between these folks and real Christians pointedly) embrace the hypocrisy inherent in their sacred text and embody it in their everyday lives.
Take this douchebag of the day, Scott Roeder: an anti-abortion activist who was recently jailed for murdering one Dr. George Tiller. Dr. Tiller operated an abortion clinic in Kansas; he regularly performed abortions himself, which irritated the hell, so to speak, out of those aforementioned God-fearing good American Christian folks. As a result of repeated threats on his life and the lives of his family, Dr. Tiller actually fortified his clinic (to defend against bombs, of course), drove to work in a fucking armored truck, and lived in a gated community (presumably with easily-defensible walls upon which he could place machine gun nests and sentries if things got bad enough). Now, I don’t know how you feel about the whole abortion issue, but regardless which side of the fence you sit on, I think we can all agree that, while it’s difficult to define murder when we’re talking about a fetus, shooting some guy in the head is pretty clear-cut. Here’s a guy providing a service that, while somewhat icky, can at least (at least) in some situations be justified, which pisses off a group of people who perceive his actions to be murderous. Their response is to murder him. I guess they were so busy memorizing selected passages from Leviticus they missed all that stuff about “love thy neighbour”, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”, “judge not lest ye be judged”, and – oh, I almost forgot: “thou shalt not kill”.
Did I mention he was murdered in a church? Chew on that.
So it should come as no surprise, then, when we’re talking about a group of people whose collective IQ seems to hover somewhere comfortably close to that of the average sea anemone, that these same people would look at a satirist like the vaunted Stephen Colbert and actually think he was serious.
According to a recent poll conducted by Ohio State University, a majority of polled conservatives actually think Colbert is on their side. Seriously. These people watched the White House Correspondents Dinner and thought Colbert was actually a fan of the lately-departed (and sorely-missed, I’m sure) George W. Bush. How do you miss a joke like “rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg”? Well, I suppose when FOX News is your primary – or only – source of information, you’d be just as inclined to believe the Hindenburg was actually blown up by Muslim-Commie-Fascist-Alien Terrorists. Who engage in fist-bumping.
On that note: I’m beginning to have a hard time believing that everything we see on television (“news” or not) is satire. I simply cannot watch a guy like Bill O’Reilly and actually buy into the idea that he actually believes what is coming out of his obnoxious noise-hole. It’s like Don Cherry here in Canada. He just can’t be that much of a blowhard in person. He can’t. The resulting black hole of suck that such an ego would doubtless create would engulf the world in less time than it takes to say “No-Spin Zone”. The lines are getting blurry, my friends. Reality and fiction are rapidly becoming one and the same thing, and frankly I think it’s a good thing. For a cynic like me, I have little difficulty finding the humor in guys like Stephen Colbert or even Bill O’Reilly. But for the conservative right, who look at men like this and say “that’s the guy I’m going to believe, this is where I’m going to go for all my informational needs, this is the political stance upon which I’m going to build my personal morality”…well, that’s just fuckin’ scary.
Abortion doctors of America: batten down the hatches, ladies and gentlemen, because shit’s getting real. Stephen Colbert: you beautiful bastard, keep monkeying with the minds of those who refuse to believe we came from monkeys. I’m getting a laugh out of it, and I intend to continue enjoying the ride. Let’s face it: the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket anyway; might as well make it a first-class ticket.