Forty-four categories is far too much for something as fundamentally lame as the People’s Choice Awards, Lu and I have decided, but we’re married to this idea now, so we’re obligated to finish it. So here it is: the final installment of State of Affairs Versus The People’s Choice Awards. Today: MUSIC AND EVERYTHING ELSE THEY COULDN’T FIND A CATEGORY FOR.
Favourite Male Artist
Alex: Are you serious? No.
I personally know dozens of male artists who will never appear on this list, and it’s a goddamn travesty. I can’t vote for anyone here, so I will mock each of them in turn. Eminem: lose this emo bullshit and start collaborating with Dre again. Enrique: what’s the Spanish term for “shut the fuck up?” Michael Buble: record an album with Kenny G. Preferably in a burning building. Tim McGraw: less time in the studio = more time banging Faith Hill. Do the math. Usher: the name of the career he probably should have taken up. We’re done here.
I have had an unhealthy hatred of Michael Buble for years. And since there’s a very good chance that at some point during the awards Eminem might beat him up, I’m gonna go with him.
Favourite Female Artist
Alex: See above
As with the previous category. Carrie Underwood: your writers are awesome. Too bad you aren’t. Katy Perry: I don’t know what it is about you, but you make me feel like a pedophile and I don’t like it. Lady Gaga: OH MY GOD STOP. Pink: weren’t you relevant, like, ten years ago? Taylor Swift: proof that tits outweigh talent every time.
Lu: Katy Perry’s Cleavage
They’re really playing fast and loose with the term “artist” these days, aren’t they?
Alex: Can I pick suicide? Is suicide an option?
All I have to say about this category can be summed up by pointing out the fact that every artist needed to be supplanted by a “featured” performer often far more talented than the leading act. I’ll say this, though – I would have paid considerable money to be a fly on the wall in the studio when “California Gurls” was recorded. Snoop was probably all up in that Kizzle Pizzle. For shizzle.
Lu: See Alex’s nomination
Dear god. The problem with the People’s Choice Awards, as I see it, is that they’re proud to be chosen by the people, for the people. You’ll find no high-brow critically acclaimed shit here – rather, whatever’s most popular with the general populace at the moment. While on paper this seems like a noble idea, it falls completely apart when you realize a very important rule of life: people are idiots.
Favourite Rock Band
Alex: Give me a goddamn break
This is what qualifies as “rock” these days? Two shameless 90s grunge ripoffs, two groups composed entirely of over-the-hill whiny emo types, and Maroon Fucking 5? I hope the ghosts of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin haunt these talentless hacks to the end of their careers. So, like, two weeks, tops.
Lu: Fuck off
I’d rather just nominate the GAME Rock Band, as it has more originality, talent and pure enjoyment than any of the other sound abortions on this fucking list.
Favourite Breakout Artist
Alex: This just gets worse and worse, doesn’t it?
The only thing these artists broke out of was some kind of holding facility for shitty performers. Somebody stuff them back in before they infect the world with even more mediocre bollocks.
Lu: Do we still care about this?
Expect Bieber to win this, Ke$ha to do something gro$$ly inappropriate, and the remaining three to continue to be irrelevant.
Favourite Pop Artist
Alex: No. No, no no.
Finding a favourite in this category is like trying to find the cleanest part of a dirty ass, which I guess makes them Poop Artists AMIRIGHT?
Lu: Katy Perry’s Cleavage (again)
These nominees are almost exactly the same as the favorite female artist category. I will reiterate my vote for Katy Perry’s cleavage.
Favourite Country Artist
Alex: Lady Antebellum
Okay, I can actually be serious about this category because I’m a devout country music fan. Unfortunately most of these artists aren’t country musicians. Hank Williams would have beat the everloving shit out of Rascal Flatts’ entire lineup (and a grateful nation would thank him), and Johnny Cash would have bedded Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift within hours of them showing up to the studio. Possibly at the same time. That said, Lady Antebellum is probably the least-offensive of the group.
Lu: Rascal Flatts
Rascal Flatts sounds like a made-up town from a Stephen King short story. I can think of no better criteria for winning than that.
Favourite R&B Artist
Alex: Alicia Keys
Do you ignorant troglodytes know what R&B stands for? Rhythm and blues. BB King is spinning in his grave so fast his estate is going to have to retrieve his corpse from China. Having said that, Alicia Keys is remarkably attractive and seems to know her way around a piano. So she gets a pass.
Lu: Alicia Keys
Alicia Keys and Mary J. Blige are the closest things to legitimate artists I have seen on this list so far.
Favourite Hip Hop Artist
Alex: Snoop Dogg
I have a little more patience for the hip-hop genre, because instead of calling what they do “rap” (and in so doing, denigrating the memory of Jam Master Jay, among others) they renamed the genre and saved themselves from my mockery. I actually don’t mind most of the artists on this list at various points in their respective careers (except Drake, who I’ve never heard), but my vote absolutely has to go to the elder statesman of this motley crew, the indomitable Snoop Dogg, who has managed to stay relevant far past his expiry date. You could say he’s ‘chronically’ successful, but then he’d have to get his bodyguard to shoot your white ass.
Lu: Snoop Dogg
I will vote for Snoop Dogg simply on the basis that he IS Snoop Dogg, and that’s pretty much enough to win this. Or anything.
Favourite Music Video
Alex: Teenage Dream
Hm. Well, let’s see. “Love the Way you Lie” was just embarrassing coming from Slim Shady. “Telephone” quite literally gave me nightmares. “Waka Waka” fails due to the distinct lack of Fozzie Bear, and “Baby” made me want to stick drills in my ears until the bits met in the center of my head. So by proxy, the award goes to Katy Perry’s tits. I mean, “Teenage Dream”.
Lu: Waka Waka (Shakira featuring FrshlyGround)
There isn’t a single joke I could make here that would be even half as funny as the above clusterfuck of “words.” Comedy gold, I tells ya!
Favourite Web Celeb
Alex: TIE – Betty White and Alex James (uncredited)
I don’t know what makes me more angry: that we’re actually to the point where we can have a category entitled “Favorite Web Celebrity” (as if ordinary celebrities weren’t enough) or the fact that I’m not on the list. Retrospectively I’m not that mad: given the bizarre conglomerate of pseudo-famous people on the list, it would have been unfair to put me in the category. I mean, Teri Hatcher? Seriously? Did she do something after “Lois and Clark”? Whatever. Hats off to Betty White for not only surviving long enough to see the “Favorite Web Celebrity” category come to prominence, but for making it on the list despite being school chums with fucking Methuselah.
Lu: Refuses to nominate
Aren’t these just “celebs”? Also, I could make a significant case for this category being a prime example of everything that’s wrong in our society, but I think that pretty much goes without saying.
Favourite Viral Video Star
Alex: Giant Double Rainbow
Despite being something of a social media guru, I’m still baffled by the presence of this category in a pseudo-serious award show. This is like America’s Funniest Home Videos on an international scale and with no Bob Saget to be all smarmy for the camera and provide voiceovers so painfully stupid I’d rather watch his disgusting standup routine. So I’m taking this category in the spirit I can only assume it’s intended – as some kind of postmodern prank – and voting for the Giant Double Rainbow guy, who is now the most famous stoner in the world next to fucking Cheech Marin.
Lu: see Web Celeb nomination
…I spoke too soon.
So there you have it folks. Another year, another pointless awards ceremony reduced to its constituent elements: based on the majority of this list, that would be baling wire, bits of horse hair, and a truckload of shit. The pickings were so slim they’d qualify as anorexic, but at least we salvaged a couple of diamonds from this expanse of rough. I’m going to go watch Iron Man 2 (finally), listen to some Snoop Dogg and catch up on some White Collar. Special thanks to Lu Galasso for serving as the Statler to my Waldorf. Until next time: don’t settle for mediocre culture. Keep coming back to State of Affairs instead.